Thursday, July 24, 2003
Keel-Hauled (Not a List)
Brought to you by court order resulting from repeated viewings of Johnny Depp in "Pirates of the Caribbean"
Wearing a bandana and a plastic "Les Miserables" commemorative eyepatch with a tiny hole in it does not make me a pirate.
Barking at the mailman does not make me a pirate.
Eating out of the peanut butter jar with a Slim Jim does not make me a pirate.
Trying to teach a parrot at Bird Jungle to say "Take it all! Take it all, wench!" just to scandalize the grandmother type behind the counter does not make me a pirate.
Staring down the grocery bagger when she asks me "paper or plastic?" does not make me a pirate.
Falling asleep in a shopping cart outside the local Hooters waiting for Sunny to get off work to apologize for offering to "board her poop deck and plunder her booty" because it was much too easy a pirate joke and I'm really, really not usually that obvious does not make me a pirate.
Crying myself to sleep after failing to reach climax masturbating to the image of Rosie O'Donnell foxy boxing with Billie Jean King just to see if I can do it does not make me a pirate.
Leaving filthy messages on Salma Hayek's answering machine alluding to her breakup with Edward Norton does not make me a pirate, even if I roll the r's in a stereotypically pirate-y fashion.
Not caring about the imminent recall of California Governor Gray Davis because I consider myself above West Coast politics does not make me a pirate.