Wednesday, July 02, 2003
It's a Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay World
These are heady days for homosexuals.
Last week, the Supreme Court struck down sodomy laws in Texas, setting an anything-goes precedent that may soon lead to the widespread legal recognition of same-sex marriage, gays in the military, and characters in television sitcoms who "just happen to be gay" without it being a show's entire premise.
Even before that banner day in the history of gay jurisprudence, roughly fifteen million people (some of them openly Republican) gathered in West Hollywood to celebrate gay pride in a parade putting recent statue-toppling victory shenanigans in the streets of Baghdad to shame.
I don't think I'm being premature when I declare homophobia to be officially dead. Kaput. Gone, sister.
To use a well-worn phrase, gay is the new black. I'd say it's the new straight, but straight is a snore, so utterly ten minutes ago, so R. Kelly passing water on a fifteen-year-old on video.
Gay jokes are the new mother jokes.
"Fag" is the new "deck." "Straighty" is the new "queer."
Anal is repossessing Missionary's PT Cruiser.
There will be a gay President by 2012, although there's an outside chance the political glass ceiling will be doubly shattered by a certain bestselling author/senator four years earlier. With Isaac Mizrahi on the ticket.
Chandler can come out now, still be roomies with Monica and chat about boys over a Central Perk latte.
Britney and X-tina will soon be grooming TaTu's toy poodles.
Left-in-the-dust straighty publications like The New York Times are falling over themselves to document this supposed "metrosexual" movement, wherein straight guys actually pay attention to their hair and wardrobe and superstar British soccer players flaunt their happy trails in the pages of The Advocate in hopes of catching the gay-train before it pulls out from the tunnel.
Back in the days of the tech-fueled runaway economic explosion, I moonlighted as a cool hunter for several dot-coms. And I saw all of this coming. I nearly had Yahoo! convinced to rebrand as Girlfriend!, but an eleventh hour bout of cold feet kept them from being the bleeding-edge search engine and have since been convincingly overtaken by the much more gay-positive sounding Google.
As for me, well, I'm not going to play coy on the "Is he or isn't he?" question in the interest of catching some extra buzz. That's a little too pre-Texas and Ricky Martin for my tastes. I'll come right out and let the world know that I'm probably straight.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.