Tuesday, July 22, 2003
If I Could Talk to the Grieving Animals Dept.
It is believed that Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay have been killed in a firefight in the city of Mosul.
I immediately placed a call to Mandor, Uday's pet tiger that was abandoned in the Baghdad zoo when Uday fled the city, to get a reaction to his master's reported demise.
Bunsen: I know this must be hard for you. Thanks for speaking with me.
Mandor [via satellite phone in Baghdad]: Thanks. I'll do my best.
Bunsen: I suppose that you have mixed feelings about Uday's apparent passing.
Mandor: How so?
Bunsen: He did abandon you after the war started.
Mandor: He was my master. I understood that he needed to leave. We've all got to look out for Number One, you dig?
Bunsen: That's very understanding of you. So you would have left him to starve in the zoo?
Mandor: No. But that's me. I cared about him.
Bunsen: Would you say that you loved him?
Mandor: I don't like where you're going with this.
Bunsen: Were you "in love" with him?
Mandor: He was my master. I'm not sure that love figures into the equation. But I guess I loved him.
Bunsen: Uh huh.
Mandor: I don't think I like your tone.
Bunsen: What tone is that? You were in love with Uday, your "master." What's the shame in that? The heart wants what it wants, no?
Mandor: It's the sing-songy way you're saying that the bothers me.
Bunsen: Did you lurve him?
Mandor: Cut it out.
Bunsen: Did you happen to catch that show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy yet?
Mandor: I'm starving in a cage in the Baghdad Zoo.
Bunsen: You're evading the question. Surely the Americans are taking care of you. You probably have cable.
Mandor: I might have Bravo in my basic package.
Bunsen: How did you know that show's on Bravo?
Mandor: It's really not nice to pick on me. My master is probably dead.
Bunsen: I understand how hard it is to lose someone you luuuurrrrrrve.
Mandor: You seem to be a little preoccupied with my life.
Bunsen: I just want you to be true to yourself.
Mandor: Whatever. I have to go.
Bunsen: Be true to yourself!
Mandor: Get a life!
[The phone line is disconnected.]