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Tuesday, July 22, 2003

 

If I Could Talk to the Grieving Animals Dept.



It is believed that Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay have been killed in a firefight in the city of Mosul.

I immediately placed a call to Mandor, Uday's pet tiger that was abandoned in the Baghdad zoo when Uday fled the city, to get a reaction to his master's reported demise.


Bunsen: I know this must be hard for you. Thanks for speaking with me.

Mandor [via satellite phone in Baghdad]: Thanks. I'll do my best.

Bunsen: I suppose that you have mixed feelings about Uday's apparent passing.

Mandor: How so?

Bunsen: He did abandon you after the war started.

Mandor: He was my master. I understood that he needed to leave. We've all got to look out for Number One, you dig?

Bunsen: That's very understanding of you. So you would have left him to starve in the zoo?

Mandor: No. But that's me. I cared about him.

Bunsen: Would you say that you loved him?

Mandor: I don't like where you're going with this.

Bunsen: Were you "in love" with him?

Mandor: He was my master. I'm not sure that love figures into the equation. But I guess I loved him.

Bunsen: Uh huh.

Mandor: I don't think I like your tone.

Bunsen: What tone is that? You were in love with Uday, your "master." What's the shame in that? The heart wants what it wants, no?

Mandor: It's the sing-songy way you're saying that the bothers me.

Bunsen: Did you lurve him?

Mandor: Cut it out.

Bunsen: Did you happen to catch that show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy yet?

Mandor: I'm starving in a cage in the Baghdad Zoo.

Bunsen: You're evading the question. Surely the Americans are taking care of you. You probably have cable.

Mandor: I might have Bravo in my basic package.

Bunsen: How did you know that show's on Bravo?

Mandor: It's really not nice to pick on me. My master is probably dead.

Bunsen: I understand how hard it is to lose someone you luuuurrrrrrve.

Mandor: You seem to be a little preoccupied with my life.

Bunsen: I just want you to be true to yourself.

Mandor: Whatever. I have to go.

Bunsen: Be true to yourself!

Mandor: Get a life!

[The phone line is disconnected.]



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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