Monday, July 14, 2003
I Will Stop Abruptly at the John Tesh Joke to Switch Gears Entirely and We Will All Be Better For It
A Brief Guide to Understanding the New-Look Lakers Lineup for a Non-Sports Fan
If you haven't heard, last week the Los Angeles Lakers, a professional basketball team playing in Los Angeles, signed Karl "The Mailman" Malone and Gary "The Glove" Payton to join stars Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal. This gives them four certain Hall of Fame players in their starting lineup. (The other spot is likely to be occupied by current Laker Derek Fisher, who is to playing basketball what your favorite Ralphs cashier is to bagging groceries.)
As a non-sports fan, it might be hard for you to conceptualize the significance of a starting lineup of Shaq, Kobe, Gary, Karl, and Derek. Some "starting fives" from other arenas human pursuit may illuminate the New-Look Lakers for you.
Blockbuster action stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Slyvester Stallone (pre 1990), Michael "American Ninja" Dudikoff
Late Night Talk Show Hosts: David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Charlie Rose, Chevy Chase
Scientists: Alfred Nobel, Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Niels Bohr, Bill "The Science Guy" Nye
Young, Noteworthy Authors: Jonathan Safran Foer, Nick McDonell, Zadie Smith, JT Leroy, Haley Joel Osment
World Religions: Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, That One Where They Dance With Snakes and Fall Down
Tenors: Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras, El DeBarge
Reality TV Shows: Survivor, The Real World, Joe Millionaire, The Bachelor, Look What I Found in John Tesh's Comb
Five Saddam-Instituted Holidays Banned by the Interim Iraqi Council
--Beret and Bushy Mustache Day
--Gas a Kurd Day
--Bring Your Saddam Lookalike to Work Day
--Genocidal Arbor Day
--Boxing Day
