The Greatest Blog In the World

Monday, July 14, 2003

 

I Will Stop Abruptly at the John Tesh Joke to Switch Gears Entirely and We Will All Be Better For It



A Brief Guide to Understanding the New-Look Lakers Lineup for a Non-Sports Fan

If you haven't heard, last week the Los Angeles Lakers, a professional basketball team playing in Los Angeles, signed Karl "The Mailman" Malone and Gary "The Glove" Payton to join stars Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal. This gives them four certain Hall of Fame players in their starting lineup. (The other spot is likely to be occupied by current Laker Derek Fisher, who is to playing basketball what your favorite Ralphs cashier is to bagging groceries.)

As a non-sports fan, it might be hard for you to conceptualize the significance of a starting lineup of Shaq, Kobe, Gary, Karl, and Derek. Some "starting fives" from other arenas human pursuit may illuminate the New-Look Lakers for you.

Blockbuster action stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Slyvester Stallone (pre 1990), Michael "American Ninja" Dudikoff

Late Night Talk Show Hosts: David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Charlie Rose, Chevy Chase

Scientists: Alfred Nobel, Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Niels Bohr, Bill "The Science Guy" Nye

Young, Noteworthy Authors: Jonathan Safran Foer, Nick McDonell, Zadie Smith, JT Leroy, Haley Joel Osment

World Religions: Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, That One Where They Dance With Snakes and Fall Down

Tenors: Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras, El DeBarge

Reality TV Shows: Survivor, The Real World, Joe Millionaire, The Bachelor, Look What I Found in John Tesh's Comb

Five Saddam-Instituted Holidays Banned by the Interim Iraqi Council

--Beret and Bushy Mustache Day
--Gas a Kurd Day
--Bring Your Saddam Lookalike to Work Day
--Genocidal Arbor Day
--Boxing Day



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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