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Tuesday, July 08, 2003

 

E-mail Bag of Doom



From: "Ann Coulter" [QueenCoulter453@aol.com]
To: "Bunsen" [lovemail@bunsen.tv]
Subj: Book signing

Bunsen,

This e-mail is to let you know that I've signed the copy of my new book, "Treason" for you and just put it in the mail. I also signed the Polaroid of me eating a carrot while winking, just as you've asked, though I didn't have a can of Redi-Whip on hand to "spray across my bow," whatever that means. Now no selling it on eBay! You promised!

Now down to business.

It has come to my attention that a militia made up of gay, liberal media Jews (there, I said it) is behind the recent attacks on our sacred American soldiers in Iraq. My sources reveal that they're being funded by rabid, traitorous, commie-funded shit-rags (read: The Baghdad (ne้ New York) Times, Washington Post, and The Village Voice) and supplied with arms by the Israeli army. What's more, they've been papering American military bases with images of George W. Bush using George Washington's asshole as a flower pot, while GHWB cries underneath a thought bubble lamenting he never got to finish the job.

This cannot stand. I'm counting on influential, indepedent-thinking internet personalities like you to get the word out in Hollywood. It's only because of the liberals that we haven't created a super domestic servant underclass from the Iraqi populace (we won the fucking war, didn't we?) and given each registered Republican an Escalade with the proceeds from oil sales. I swear to God I'll sleep with Howard Dean, John Kerry, and John Edwards and leak the double-penetration donkey photos to the Fox News Channel if that's what it takes to keep these pussy lefties away from the White House. Do you still have the name of that really tasteful photographer from Barely Legal? The last batch really turned out great.

OK, gotta keep this short since I have a big stack of books left to sign. I'm going to start including a picture of me straddling Joe McCarthy, with his head illuminated by a halo. Whaddya think?

Smooches,
Annie

PS--Isn't it painfully obvious that Kobe Bryant is guilty, guilty, guilty? He's not fooling anyone with that choirboy baller act.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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