Wednesday, July 16, 2003
A Black Eye for the Straight Guy Special
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): There will be a knock at the door, dear Gemini, and expect a seismic upheaval in your slovenly, heterosexual lifestyle when Harvey Fierstein, Barry Diller, Rip Taylor, Nathan Lane, and the ghost of Rock Hudson barge in to ostensibly remake you in a more fabulous image. Fierstein will head straight for your closet, tearing your ratty flannel shirts with his teeth. Be wary as Diller punches you in the breadbasket and as you stoop to catch your breath, works a healthy dollop of orange-marmalade-scented pomade into your hair moments before carving the telltale mark of Zorro across your scalp with Wahl electric clippers. Just as you think you've gotten it all figured out, capricious Gemini, Rip Taylor is inside your kitchen cabinets, loudly shattering your finest Ikea earthenware and shaving your chest with the suprisingly sharp fragments. In the living room, Nathan Lane will peruse your pornography collection, expressing by a click of the tongue his disapproval with each title and demonstrating an eerily encyclopedic knowledge of the Jenna Jameson oeuvre. Rock Hudson's apparition, meanwhile, will be squatting over your favorite velvet representation of the Mexican Elvis, leaving you with a lasting confusion over exactly why the undead might need to retain the ability to defecate.
They will march out, single-file, as quickly as they came.
You will be left a more stylish, sensitive, and sexy breeder, beloved Twin, but never will quite figure out why Rip Taylor was blasting a reveille on that air horn.