Friday, July 11, 2003
Around the Horn Dept.
Just some things that have been on my mind lately....
*It's taken me a couple of days, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that Courtney Love is now 39. I guess I shouldn't worry, as she still has another good year of skanking around before the big 4-0 begins to sober her up and cuts the time she devotes to skanking around and driving geniuses to suicide by about 65 percent.
*Conan O'Brien is looking really skinny these days. Some might attribute this to a healthier diet and a personal trainer. I prefer to think that he and Max Weinberg have some sort of demonic Dorian Gray arrangement whereby Conan sheds the pounds and Weinberg adds them around his midsection. Or, if we really want to get crazy, we could speculate that good ol' Conan has contracted syphilis and is now too insane to consume food. God, I miss that enormous, bloated Irish noggin of his.
*Celebrities have been dropping dead at an alarming rate. Barry, Katharine, Strom, Gregory, a couple of Buddy's...it's clear to me that they were all asking for it by surviving past an age where they were beautiful and useful to society. Say, 38, just to throw a number out there. We can do little else but put all of our psychic energy into easing the plug to whatever machine that's keeping Bob Hope alive out of its socket.
*My world was rocked when Britney Spears admitted that she had spent years lying to the world about maintaining her virginity for marriage when she revealed Justin Timberlake deflowered her at the age of 19. She further claimed that the N'Sync'er is the only one to penetrate her in a sexual manner. I suppose she's already forgotten the gang of midgets in party hats I'd sent over to service her as a 20th birthday present. This is the type of staggering ingratitude that's going to keep her abstinent for the next ten years at least.
*Intelligence sources believe that Iran may have nuclear weapons within a year, but are still baffled by producing a reliable beard trimmer. They should perhaps model themselves on North Korea, who recently developed rudimentary Supercuts technology after gaining nuclear capability.
*The judge threw out Jennifer Connelly's "preemptive" restraining order against me, setting a precedent that she could not possibly be privy to my constant, filthy thoughts involving her, even if I choose to transcribe them in disturbing detail in this space. Even if these thoughts involve a malamute, a salad shooter, and legendary automotive safety device The Club. This is a victory for crusaders of personal privacy and intellectual property everywhere.