Monday, July 28, 2003
All Ye Who Desire Weekend News Coverage Despair Here
There are so many things that happened this weekend that I am literally overwhelmed. For example, did you know that Japan is sending tiny, efficient, hard-drinking, Hello-Kitty-obsessed and schoolgirl fetishist troops to Iraq? Did you know that over 1,000 test tube children gathered to celebrate the 25th birthday of the first test-tube baby by masturbating to completion into pipettes? Now you do.
In response to the total news overload*, I curled up Sunday night in the nice, safe dog basket of the back room of impossibly exclusive L.A. watering hole Barfly to review the weekend's box office grosses with Seabiscuit star and former Pussy Posse deputy Tobey Maguire. Tobey and I sipped Long Island Ice Teas out of wine flutes designed to look like stripper shoes as we kicked around the weekly Hollywood scorecard.
No. 1: Spy Kids 3-D ($32.5 million)
Bunsen: I wasn't even aware of this movie's existence.
Tobey Maguire: That's really shameful considering that you consider yourself some sort of half-man, half-pop-culture god.
Bunsen: You always say that people are half-man and half-something when you're drunk.
No. 2: Pirates of the Caribbean ($22.4 million)
Bunsen: Everyone says that Johnny Depp is doing a Keith Richards impression in this movie. I prefer to think he's doing a Tobey Maguire impression.
Tobey: I don't drink that much.
[I bust out laughing.]
Tobey: No, really.
[Tobey busts out laughing.]
Bunsen: You're so fucking drunk, Tobe.
No. 3: Bad Boys II ($22 million)
Bunsen: I couldn't help but notice that Seabiscuit isn't in the top 3.
Tobey: I noticed that, too.
Bunsen: But you're motherfucking drunken Spiderman, Toblerone!
Tobey: Tell me about it.
No. 4: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life ($21.8 million)
Bunsen: Still waiting for Seabiscuit in the home stretch, Tobey Tikki Tavi.
Tobey: Don't worry, it's coming.
Bunsen: I also couldn't help but notice that you are having sex with that cocktail waitress right in front of me.
Tobey: See, when you say things like that, people are going to think that I'm drunk and having sex with a cocktail waitress right in front of you when that's clearly not the case.
Bunsen: Excuse me, coat check girl.
Tobey: Accuracy is important. Have you learned nothing from Jayson Blair?
No. 5: Seabiscuit ($21.5 million)
Bunsen: At last, Seabiscuit.
Tobey: On the set we called it "SEE-biz-CUE-it."
Bunsen: Can I just say something? Jockeys are fucking funny.
Tobey: They really fucking are.
Bunsen: Fifth place, though?
Tobey: We had the highest per-screen average.
Bunsen: Do you think the red states understand per-screen average? Let's ask the coat check girl, I think she said she was from Nebraska.
Tobey: Don't be crazy, you know I finished up with her during the Lara Croft section above.
Bunsen: Dude, I was trying to throw some props your way.
Tobey: Jesus Christ, I'm fucking drunk.
Bunsen: At least I didn't slip in a Seabiscuit-related bestiality joke here.
Tobey: Thanks for that. You're quality people, man. I gotta go get my coat.
[He hugs me and falls asleep in my lap.]
Bunsen: Did you ever think about zapping the horse?
[*It was either hang with Tobey or play keno and smoke crack with Conrad Bain, but we should all know by now that nonsensical references to 80's sitcom stars are just comedic punts, even though I did once smoke crack with Conrad Bain while Justine Bateman was knitting me some legwarmers, naked.]