Monday, June 09, 2003
It Takes a Village to Roll a Fine Cigar
Apparently our former First Lady, current Senator from the Great State of New York, and tireless champion of healthcare reform and haircuts that make a woman's face look like a moon on a bad water-retention day, has written a new book in which she talks about her time in the White House and her struggles with Bill's infidelity. If you hadn't heard, Bill received blowjobs from an intern while he was President. In addition, he would call politico buddies on the Red Phone while receiving these decidedly extramarital favors from said intern. Also, he engaged the intern in several sessions of "Hide the Cohiba" when the fellatio was starting to feel stale, perhaps to shake things up when he closed his eyes and remembered what it was like when Hillary used to do that for him, but I am not sure if cigar play is mentioned in the specific or the abstract in the book.
My sources inform me that there is no mention of the following, any of which might justify the $8 million that Ms. Clinton was paid: Crisco Twister games with Vince Foster; a weekly burlesque review starring George Stephanopolous in a sequined dog collar and French maid outfit; drunken doomsday scenario simulations in which Pentagon mainframes calculate the consequences of launching a small scale nuclear attack on a Fairfax, VA Hooters where Bill once propositioned a waitress named Sunny under pretense of ordering a plate of extra-hot chicken wings; using children lured to White House grounds for annual Easter Egg Hunt to reenact disastrous military incursion into Somalia; Bill's proffering of Lincoln Bedroom invitations to Pope for charity banquet campaigning for High Hefner's canonization as "Patron Saint of Tig 'Ol Bitties."
Instead, we get:
--intern blowjobs are upsetting to a wife, putting a strain on a marriage
--husband lied about intern blowjobs
My sources further say that Hillary Clinton writes that she sometimes had a hard time getting along with her mother-in-law.
Surely she hired the wrong ghostwriter.
I'm confident Bill won't make the same mistake. Any day now I expect that there will be a knock at the door, where my very own intern carrying a box of Cubans and a smile will arrive courtesy of my Presidential subject, because the first rule of my job is write what you know.