Friday, June 27, 2003
Feeling a Draft Special
People in Los Angeles aren't supposed to care about sports, unless it's ten seconds to go in Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the Lakers are up by 42, and they're seated behind Jack Nicholson as the camera takes its 300th reaction shot of his bloated, leathery head.
But God help me, I care. At the risk of turning in my Hollywood Glitterati Bandwagon Fuck card, I bring to you my behind-the-scenes reportage of Thursday's NBA 2003 Draft.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- LeBron James
High-school phenom James is praised by scouts for already possessing an "NBA body," which entails having functioning genitalia suitable for creating a legion of bastard offspring.
2. Detroit Pistons -- Darko Milicic
Detroit decides they need Serbian 7-footer to shore up their frontcourt defense against ethnic cleansing.
3. Denver Nuggets -- Carmelo Anthony
Syracuse star and NCAA Tournament hero was named for popular candy bar, but his parents' tragic mispelling of his name led to childhood marred by taunting from chocoholic classmates.
4. Toronto Raptors -- Chris Bosh
The idea of basketball in Canada continues to be as mystifying as the idea of a vegan field trip to an Outback Steakhouse.
5. Miami Heat -- Dwayne Wade
Miami head coach Pat Riley hasn't had a threesome since last title with Showtime-era Lakers, and that involved a pre-HIV Magic Johnson and Dyan Cannon.
6. Los Angeles Clippers -- Chris Kaman
Clippers owner Donald Sterling recently placed second to Adolf Hitler in "Worst Owner in Pro Sports" poll.
7. Chicago Bulls -- Kirk Hinrich
Chicago has not fielded a professional basketball team since Michael Jordan's retirement in 1999, drafts white Iowan as "fuck you" to city's former basketball fans.
8. Milwaukee Bucks -- TJ Ford
The only way I will ever go to Milwaukee is as featured meat in Hilton sisters sandwich, sponsored by Miller Brewery.
9. New York Knicks -- Michael Sweetney
Given the tragic events of 9-11, I cannot make snarky comments at the expense of New York City. But Spike Lee retains his role as most annoying (and now litigious) courtside shitbag.
10. Washington Wizards -- Jarvis Hayes
Little known Washington rookie hazing ritual: first-years must drag Ted Kennedy's liquor cart and play part of Mary Jo Kopechne in Kennedy's annual recreation of Chappaquiddick tragedy.
11. Golden State Warriors -- Mikael Pietrus
French baller should be favorite of San Francisco Bay Area's large homosexual community.
12. Seattle Sonics -- Nick Collison
Unbeknowst to all 29 teams, Collison will be last white player to ever play in NBA. Yes, that includes Europeans.
13. Memphis Grizzlies -- Jesus Christ
Son of God has inexplicably gone undrafted for 2000 years, despite dying for world's sins, sixty-two inch vertical leap. Christians everywhere blame NBA Commissioner David Stern, a Jew, for NBA's longtime neglect of Christ.
Picks 14-29: Anyone selected with these picks are doomed to lives of local used car dealership/electronic store/Korean manicure parlor endorsements. At least one will die in a tragic swimming pool accident. And one player, suprisingly, will one day be named United States ambassdor to Singapore.