Tuesday, May 20, 2003
The New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox by a score of 7-3 on Monday evening. This is the correct result, the result that I Willed into existence a continent away from the action at Fenway Park.
If this has not already been painfully apparent to Bostonians across the greater Boston area, it is obvious that my Will exerts control over earthly events. My Will is not limited to the outcome of baseball games in late May.
Some of you may wish to prevail upon me to use the power of my Will to settle this nonsense in the Middle East. I prefer things the way they are. The Middle East is in serious need of some growing pains before a modern, non-extremist democracy steeped in the careful evolution of the free market can take hold in the sands of Mesopotamia. Also, I foolishly promised Rummy that I wouldn't Will things into total peace so that he and Dickie Cheney can ride their Haliburton and Grumman stock into a palace in Coral Gables once GWB decides to abdicate the throne in 2013. I shouldn't promise Rummy such things, but he occasionally lets me ogle his secretary while plying me with a Belvedere and tonic.
Why didn't I Will the New York Times into discovering the myriad deceptions perpetrated by Jayson Blair, thus saving the storied daily scads of embarassments and recriminations of scandal? Once I bought a copy of the Sunday edition at my local coffee shop and the Sunday Style section was missing. I vowed the hubris of the Sulzbergers would not go unpunished.
Still others might wonder why I didn't Will myself to the front of the line for the Matrix Reloaded premiere at the legendary Grauman's Chinese Theater when it opened last week. I'm not going to waste good Will power on some dimestore metaphysical chopsocky frou-fraw unless Carrie Ann Moss decides to trade in that horribly opaque leather jumpsuit for something in the Saran Wrap family. Come now.
There may even be those of you that speculate aloud as to why I wouldn't Will a dividing wall into my studio apartment so that I would have to see the "living room" couch from my bed. Or the kitchen.
And I assure you: once you start using your Will to surround yourself with material trappings, your Will loses its edge. I think I read that Keanu Reeves says that in the new Matrix movie, but I didn't waste my Will on seeing it yet, and I don't like to wait in long lines.
What can I say? The Will wants what it wants. Sorry, Boston.
And right now the Will would like a pint of Chunky Monkey, and then perhaps a sex dream involving that Australian chick from "24."