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Thursday, May 22, 2003


Matinee Idolmaker

Given the runaway success of the second American Idol and the huge ratings numbers the finale pulled last night, I've been working feverishly on the screenplay for Clay and Ruben's big-screen debut. A nondisclosure agreement with a seven-figure penalty clause prohibits me from giving you too many details about the project. But picture this -- Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard in:

"Pipes: The Closeted Gay and the Big, Fat, Black Guy"

It's a working title. But think "Trading Places" meets "Beverly Hills Cop" meets "Bad Boys II" colliding with "Soul Man" and thrown in a Juice Tiger with "Looks Who's Coming to Dinner" with just a scoach of "Thelma and Louise." You likey the new Matrix movie? Well, you ain't seen nothing til you see a Luther Vandross clone suspended in midair as the camera spins around him as he holding a note for fifteen seconds. Yeah, it's got some of that.

Got it yet? You do if you like a side of sizzle with your flapjacks of hotness.

I can't remember which one was crowned American Idol just now, but that's unimportant to the movie. It will merely determine which character will get to call the other "my bitch" during the various scenes of witty repartee at high speeds in the new Cadillac CTS.

And I probably shouldn't tell you that the dynamic duo play UN weapons inspectors lost in the Iraqi desert, where they open the hottest nightclub since that one with all the drugged-out queers in angel wings in New York. That last sentence could cost me my absurd per diem, so let's pretend I didn't write it.

Just keep your eyes peeled for "Pipes" just in time for the holiday season.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you which holiday.

About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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