Friday, May 02, 2003
Back in the Saddle Special
If you read this space, subscribe to the newsletter, or hang around Hollywood Boulevard, you may have heard that I was having some technical difficulties regarding the publication of this site. It all seems to be better now, but there is a staffer who will find that he can only count 90 percent of the way to ten on his fingers. Such is the price of incompetence in WFOoBH's corporate headquarters.
It hasn't been easy being cut off from the world. I needed some way to reach my readers, to communicate with the world. I angrily scratched this onto a piece of posterboard and duct-taped it to my window:
Why does everything fucking suck so much? I fucking hate all this shit that sucks. Jesus, I hate this fucking sucking shit. I am going to put out the sun if my God-given right of Internet polemicism is not instantly restored. You hear that, God? Make it work right now or there's going to be hell to pay. I am going to stick my big ole Timberland up the ass of infinity if things don't change and change quickly!
At that point, my Sharpie ran out of ink and the final words were scrunched illegibly on the corner of the posterboard. I faxed a copy to all the usual news outlets, but MSNBC was the only place that gave me any love. The message ran once on the news crawl, but tragically, it was unattributed and yanked after one run across the bottom of America's television screens.
It will probably be showing up in your inboxes tomorrow. It was not a Nostradamus prophecy, nor is it an excerpt from a recent Dr. Phil show. It is not a piece of verse by Persian mystic/poet Rumi. It's all mine, and remember that when you are forwarding it to everyone in your address book, promising a free trip to Disneyland if it reaches ten more people.
The good news, of course, is that I'm back, baby.