Thursday, April 24, 2003
Requiem for a Dreamboat
To paraphrase the words of someone whose name I cannot presently bring to mind, I assure you that reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.
To paraphrase another, I'm not dead yet.
This could go on, but I'll spare you the suspense.
It seems that in an attempt at foresight and expediency, CNN had prepared web page obituaries for some of America's leading personalities. When they eventually shuffle off this mortal coil, the thinking goes, CNN can be first to post their cyberspace tombstones. They would scoop the reaper himself if given half an opportunity.
Furthermore, it seems that the CNN vultures thought my recent, dangerous, intoxicating weekend in the 'Dad might end in tragedy. A disgruntled staffer forwarded me the obituary after a supervisor blocked his access to a website that allowed him to laugh at the mullets of people from a socioeconomic strata lower than his own. Here is the result of CNN's efforts to beat the other starving jackals of 24 hour news organizations to the grisly punch:
While it is true that I was recently in Baghdad, it remains unconfirmed as to whether or not I was a patron of a local comfort house whose operation may have been permanently shuttered by a smart bomb that didn't quite graduate at the head of its class. I did not expire in a downpour of rubble while being serviced ("on the house," I might add) by a regiment of Mesopotamia's finest consorts, slippery in a coat of exotic, replenishing massage oils. The rubble was merely the set-dressing of a themed fantasy room. With so much actual rubble spilled in the streets of the city, there's something thrilling about a hedonistic adventure in the company of professionals in the sensual arts. A little role-playing close the front-line action never hurt anyone -- at least no more hurt than a hastily whispered safety word couldn't bring to an immediate halt.
So fear not, gentle readers. I'm still here despite what an intern in the death notices department has to say about it.
I cannot, however, make the same claim for the journalistically-challenged ghostwriter I hired recently. Last I'd heard, he was writing material for the Iraqi Information Minister before he disappeared from the capital.
God help them both.