Tuesday, April 08, 2003
The Information Dept.
I could hardly believe what I was seeing. The Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, proclaiming that Saddam's troops were repulsing our "international gang of criminal bastards" from the streets of Baghdad.
I've been in the 'Dad, and I've sent underqualified, underpaid people to the 'Dad to take my place for fear of a friendly bomb falling on my delicate head, and I can tell you: there is nothing but Total Fucking Victory as far as the eye can see.
I had to hail this guy on the satellite horn as quickly as possible For those of you less versed in the jargon of the military apparatus than my battle-tested self, the "horn" is war talk for a telephone.
It should go without saying that al-Sahaf took my call immediately. He had to put Uday on hold, but he was willing to take the chance at jilting Saddam's favorite Caligula-worshipping offspring.
al-Sahaf: "Hello, is this pig-dog American evil hero Internet journalist?"
Bunsen: "Did you just call me a hero?"
al-Sahaf: "I did no such thing."
Bunsen: "I was just calling to ask you how the war was going."
al-Sahaf: "Things could not be better. The Iraqi people are moments from victory. We have captured thousands of American soldiers, donned their uniforms, and have nearly liberated Baghdad."
Bunsen: "Aren't you fighting to keep Baghdad?"
al-Sahaf: "That is what you are supposed to think. We will occupy the city with our American solider impostors, roll through with American tanks, fly the American flag above the rubble of our one-hundred presidential palaces. We will then occupy the nation for two years, take a stab at installing a Western-friendly democratic government, and eventually reinstall an autocratic regime once the West loses interest. Everything is going according to plan. Did you hear that we captured Saddam Airport?"
Bunsen: "I thought it was pretty clear that the coalition controls the airport."
al-Sahaf: "The coalition, or Iraqi soldiers pretending to be coalition forces?"
Bunsen: "The coalition."
Bunsen: "Let's pretend for a moment that I understand you. Aren't you worried that by revealing your plans to me that the entire supposed ruse will fail?"
al-Sahaf: "That is exactly what you are supposed to think. Everything is going according to plan."
Bunsen: "I have a headache. I need to go."
al-Sahaf: "No one will believe you. You write lies. Do you think that anyone believes that you have ever been within a whore's mustache of a supermodel sandwich?"
Bunsen: "Of course they do."
al-Sahaf: "After we win the war, which will be very soon, Winona Ryder is going to invite me to bend her over a pool table while you are forced to watch, chanting 'Here is your Total Fucking Victory, biatch.'"
al-Sahaf: "And Angelina Jolie is going to diddle herself as I triumph over Winona again and again,"
[There is a deafening blast, then much commotion from al-Sahaf's end of the phone connection.]
Bunsen: "What was that?"
al-Sahaf: "That was the sound of my American-impostor troops dropping a bunker buster on my compound. Impressive, no?"
Bunsen: "I better let you go."
al-Sahaf: "I must go and prepare the ticker-tape parade that is going to envelop Baghdad in the confetti of victory within hours."
Bunsen: "Well, I better go and warm up Winona for you."
I was briefly put on hold. A Muzak version of "We Are The Champions" played. Then, abruptly, I was disconnected.
I still can't get that song out of my head.