Monday, April 21, 2003
If I Could Talk to the Animals Dept.
These Iraqi looters are, to use the parlance of my Southern California residence, hella funny.
Turning on CNN to see what statues are being toppled has been replaced by tuning into CNN to see exactly what these ingenious liberators of personal property have absconded with in the aftermath of all that unpleasant bombing that resulted in a whole lot of rubble and a truckload of Total Fucking Victory.
It seems that every city in Iraq is throwing a series of parades. But the Mesopotamian equivalent of an Underdog float is an endless stream of marchers laden with furniture, rugs, vases, and electronic equipment.
My favorite was the pilfered city bus towing a looted motorboat behind it. No doubt the resourceful thieves were on their way to the Gulf to see how many bomb-sniffing dolphins they could round up.
But that was until now, when they even made off with everything in the Baghdad Zoo that wasn't nailed down. Fortunately for our intrepid animal-nappers, it seems that the extremely hungry lions and tigers were nailed down, because they were conveniently ignored by the ravenous mob. Even Mandor, the magnificent tiger that Uday fed a steady diet of harem girls who stopped doing "that special favor" for him, was left to languish amongst the newly-vacant cages.
So you can imagine my surprise when Mandor's publicist gave me a ring, seeking an international audience for his client. Within minutes, Mandor was on the line to bring his plight to the world.
Bunsen: How's life in Baghdad now that Saddam's skipped town?
Mandor, pet tiger of Uday Hussein: It's not quite what it's cracked up to be for everyone. Sure, you see grateful Iraqis bringing the U.S. soldiers flowers and throwing high-fives around. But if you're stuck in a tiger cage gnawing on last week's bone, life ain't all peaches and cream.
Bunsen: So you've been going hungry since the liberation?
Mandor: I'm sorry, what? I was just thinking of Peaches and Cream. They were two strippers that Uday fed me a couple of months ago because they eventually tired of grinding on his lap to "Cherry Pie" over and over again.
Bunsen: He fed you strippers?
Mandor: Strippers, prostitutes, the odd bellydancer once in a while. I love the sound those tiny finger-cymbals make when they get caught in your teeth.
Bunsen: He ever feed you men?
Mandor: Sure. Mostly political dissidents, but I'd get the occasional busboy that didn't fill Uday's water glass fast enough.
Bunsen: Isn't that, you know, kind of gay?
Mandor. Brother, I'm a tiger. Food is food. I'm fucking starving. I would eat an entire Chippendales revue right now and wash it down with Siegfried and Roy without batting an eyelash.
Bunsen: Well, that sounded gay.
Mandor: Do you check every burger you eat to make sure there's no bull meat in it?
Bunsen: Of course not.
Mandor: Then maybe you're gay.
Bunsen: It's not the same and you know it. Besides, you could have said you would have eaten the Clippers or some firemen. But you went for Chippendales and Siegfried and Roy. Let's just call those interesting choices.
Mandor: Dude. Siegfried, Roy. Tigers. Hello?
Mandor: This interview is over.
Bunsen: Very well. Anything else you want to say?
Mandor: Send more meat.
Bunsen: I bet you'd like that. A mouthful of meat for Uday's hungry, gay tiger.
Mandor: Oh, grow up.