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Tuesday, March 04, 2003

 

From Your Motorola to God's Ears Dept.



Church says: Thou shalt not take confessions via SMS

--blss me fathr 4 ive sind
--how lng has it bin since ur last cnfssin?
--like 7 mos
--tell me ur sinz
--ok i didnt go 2 mass 4 3 weeks
--ok
--took gods name n vain
--ok. n e thing else?
--ummm
--its ok god forgives all
--ok i touched myself
--ok
--is that bad
--god forgives
--i do it a lot
--its ok god forgives.. go on
--i do it like 3 timz a week

At this point you are all expecting that this is going in a particular direction. I am not personally comfortable taking this in that particular direction. Hasn't there been enough piling on the Catholic Church for the acts of a few and then the subsequent cover-ups and lookings-the-other-way and reassignments-of-offenders-to-places-with-a-fresh-crop? I can see all of you now, sharpening your long knives at the prospect that this would be the next line in this SMS exchange:

--what are you wearing?

And then there would be more in that particular suggestive vein. You think it's going to turn out like this:

--its ok to have secrets
--it is?
--well you cant tell anyone but god

Have any of you even seen a confessional? If you had you wouldn't be expecting that anything lascivious possibly could be happening when two people sit in adjacent dimly-lit boxes with a sliding screen obscuring their faces. This is about cell phones, so even if you could conjure something inappropriate from the "dark adjacent boxes" image, you fail to realize that the above SMS conversation would be taking place across an all-PCS digital network, with the principals perhaps thousands of miles apart, and that it takes only one hand to send a message. The free hand would no doubt be on a bible where confessor and priest would be reading a penitential rite.

And none of this takes into account that the Church says that you can't take confession this way in the first place, so let's abandon this whole ugly scenario. Didn't you read the story that's linked?

Now -- all of you -- write "I'M SORRY, JESUS" (we don't care what faith you follow) and fax it to the Vatican. You'll get a confirmation via e-mail shortly, assuring your forgiveness so that you can get back to the business of sinning as soon as possible.



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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