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Thursday, February 20, 2003


The Question that Burns Dept.

One of the great things about hanging out in bars in the middle of the day in Los Angeles is that you get to throw back a few with people who are much more famous than you are. People who find a way to subsist far from the orbit of the entertainment industry may find this hard to believe, but celebrities of all stripes can often be found whetting the whistle at an hour when most of the workaday world finds itself punching clocks or making photocopies or plugging figures into Excel spreadsheets or whatever it is that you people do.

With the U.S. (my former nation before establishing the breakaway republic of ISB) clawing at the precipice of Not Bombing the Fuck Out of Iraq with the very tippy-tips of its fingernails, the rich and famous are passing the daylight hours on bar stools, trying to figure a way to pull America back from the brink of war.

You may go about your business collating or consulting or teaching the children; I'll belly up to the bar and ask your country's leading personalites the WFOoBH Question that Burns: What should America do about this Iraq business?

WFOoBH: What should America do about this Iraq business?
Alec Baldwin: Our President is something of a pinhead. He should go and fight Saddam himself if he wants it so bad. If we invade, I'm headed back to Canada.
WFOoBH Follow-up: How did that moving to Canada after the election thing work out for you?
Baldwin: I joined the Toronto Entertainment Hockey League. I checked Michael J. Fox into the boards with such ferocity that he stopped shaking. But I eventually moved back to Long Island.
WFOoBH: Good to have you back. Sorry to hear about you and Kim.
Baldwin: That's OK. I couldn't go back there after Eminem hit it.

WFOoBH: What should America do about this Iraq business?
Chris Rock: Who the fuck cares if some crackers go and blow up some slightly darker crackers?
WFOoBH Follow-up: Fuck that honkey shit.
Rock: Damn straight. Gimme some love. [Rock leans in as if to chest-bump me, then pulls back.] Fuck that, cracker.

WFOoBH: What should America do about this Iraq business?
Brittany Murphy: [creepy, etheral voice] I'll never tell...
WFOoBH Follow-up: You've been in fifteen movies since then. Think you can retire that line?
[We retire to a secluded bathroom stall to make out for ten minutes. I can't help but agree with Baldwin about not wanting to go back where Eminem has been and climb out the window while she freshens up her eye makeup.]

WFOoBH: What should America do about this Iraq business?
Herve Villechaize: I try not to concern myself with such matters since taking my own life in 1993.
WFOoBH Follow-up: Holy shit, you're a ghost?
Villechaize: A really tiny ghost. With a strangled accent of indeterminate origin.
WFOoBH: It's refreshing you're so at peace with that.
Villechaize: I've had some time to work on it. [whispers] Everyone in heaven is tall. Just like here.

WFOoBH: What should America do about this Iraq business?
Harrison Ford: I think our leadership has to build something of an international consensus, so that if force is necessary it won't be unilaterally imposed...oh, not you again.
WFOoBH Follow-up: So we meet again, Dr. Jones.
Ford: I really wish you'd stop that.
WFOoBH: The only thing I'm going to stop, Dr. Jones, is your heart.
Ford: [Sighs, hold head in hands] Okay, don't make me get out my whip.
WFOoBH: What do you know about politics? You live on a ranch in Montana and fly your little whirligig and rescue campers who don't pack big enough picnic baskets.
Ford: That's really uncalled for. You asked me a question and I just tried to answer it.
WFOoBH: [Loudly] Oh, so now I'm the asshole! Everyone look at the asshole!
Ford: You're making a scene.
WFOoBH: [Louder] Oh, so now because I think that you've rendered a sensible opinion on a volatile situation, I'm the asshole?
Ford: You think it's a sensible opinion?
WFOoBH: [Even louder] Yes, I think that you've actually thought some about this thing and have some reasonable ideas, unlike most celebrities, so NOW I'M THE ASSHOLE, DR. JONES?
Ford: You shouldn't spend so much time in bars in the middle of the day.
WFOoBH: [Throwing arm around him, toasting] You're probably right, Indy.

About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
If You Like Bunsen, Then You'll Love Bunsen