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Wednesday, February 26, 2003

 

Interview with the Dictator Dept.



CBS releases Hussein interview excerpts

WFOoBH's elite Propaganda Team decodes Saddam Hussein's interview with CBS news anchor Dan Rather. Read on to wash away the rhetoric and slice through to the creamy center that is the truth.

Rather: "Mr President, have you been offered asylum anywhere? And would you, under any circumstances, consider going into exile to save your people death and destruction?"

Saddam: ""We will die here. We will die in this country and we will maintain our honour - the honour that is required... in front of our people. I believe that whoever... offers Saddam asylum in his own country is in fact a person without morals."

Saddam Decoded: "I have already been to the Neverland Ranch and have determined that I am scared shitless of Ferris wheels, giant self-aggrandizing portraits that do not utilize me as the subject, and children draped in kitchen linens. I can't live like that and would rather face certain death in Iraq."

Rather: "Mr President, Americans are very much concerned about anyone's connections to Osama Bin Laden. Do you have, have you had, any connections to al-Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden?"

Saddam: "... Iraq has never had any relationship with al-Qaeda and I think that Mr Bin Laden himself has recently, in one of his speeches, given such an answer that we have no relation with him."

Saddam Decoded: "I did not have relations with that terrorist mastermind [pause] Osama Bin Laden. This "My buddy went to the caves of Tora Bora and all I got was this lousy kaftan" was a gag gift from one of my staffers. That Tariq Aziz, he so crazy."

Rather: "If there is an invasion, will you set fire to the oil fields? Will you blow the dams or your reservoirs of water to resist the invasion?"

Saddam: "I've answered the hypothesis, but to indulge in the details: Iraq does not burn its wealth and it does not destroy its dams.

"We hope that, however, that this question is not meant as an insinuation, so that the Iraqi dams and the Iraqi oil wells will be destroyed by those who will invade Iraq in their possible invasion of the country..."

Saddam Decoded: "I sincerely hope that any invaders will not sneak up behind my soldiers, knock them on the head, rendering them unconscious, steal the uniforms from their bodies, dress in these Iraqi military uniforms, grow mustaches in order to better fit in among the Iraqi citizenry, learn the Arabic language, and pretend that they have unquestioned orders -- written in my very own blood -- to set fire to our oil fields once it's apparent my regime may be less than victorious. I hope that's not your insinuation."

Rather: "I want to make sure you understand, Mr President. You do not intend to destroy these [banned under UN resolutions in 1991] missiles?"

Saddam: "Which missiles? What do you mean? We have no missiles outside the specifications of the United Nations and the inspection teams are here and they're looking... So, the missiles you are talking about, the missiles that are against the resolution of the United Nations, these do not exist and they have been destroyed."

Saddam Decoded: "I think there may be a communication gap in this matter. What you call 'peanut butter sandwiches,' we refer to as 'missiles.' So we are in full compliance with the UN resolution to destroy all of these peanut butter sandwiches. Tens of thousands of sandwiches were disassembled between 1991 and the present: bread is stored in the South, the creamy peanut butter in the North, and the chunky has been separated and enriched in a centrifuge. I always sensed we may have been talking about two different things when the resolution was agreed upon. But a deal's a deal."

Saddam: "If the American people want to know more through dialogue through television screens, I am ready to dialogue with Bush, with Mr Bush, the president of the United States, and to appear together before the television. And I would say what I have to say, what I have to say about the American policy and he can say things about the Iraqi policy and let that be on television in a just and fair way."

Rather: "Are you speaking of a debate?"

Saddam: "Yes, a debate... We are not asking for a contest with weapons. All I'm asking is to appear before the American people and other people in a direct discussion in a conversation between me and Mr Bush that's broadcast by television."

Saddam Decoded: "A contest with weapons is also known as a war. We don't have a good track record in wars with America. So I was thinking that maybe we'd shake it up a bit, throw this against the minaret and see if it sticks. Of course, I would have to choose the categories for the debate -- you know, things like 'Eliminating Threats from Within Your Own Family,' or 'Gassing the Kurds Because a Kurdish Woman Once Told You There was a Piece of Baba Ghanouj in Your Teeth,' or 'Ruling Without Popular Mandate: Election Irregularities.' Maybe not that last one. I want to maintain a little bit of a handicap since President Bush is quite adept at the public speaking."




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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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