Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Idol Ramblings Dept.
It's time for American Idol 2.
I decided that it would be a good idea to type some thoughts as the whole mess unfolds, with the sage troika of Simon, Randy, and Forever Your Girl Paula to guide me.
--Someone not even pretending to sing tries to turn the tables on Simon with a lame '"British people have bad teeth" comeback. I find myself shouting, "And they have bad food and the cops don't have guns!" at the screen.
--Twin singers try to advance to the next round in Hollywood. Simon (the mean one, remember?) tosses around the idea of only allowing one to advance, thereby negating any (although admittedly slim) chance of yours truly finding himself in middle of a Parent-Trap Sandwich. Both are ultimately allowed to advance: Keep hope alive!
--A seemingly pre-op transsexual who can't sing in key goes off on the celebrity panel, perhaps hoping its he/she moxie will result in some Faustian bargain with Fox for the completion of gender-swapping hormone treatments.
--Simon declares fey singer the "worst in NY," then challenges him to find someone worse. No word if Enrique Iglesias is in town. Several cut-to scenes of "worst" guy singing on city street as homeless people howl and beg kabob vendors to puncture eardrums.
--Commercial demonstrates danger of smoking pot in concert-venue bathroom as toking teens are busted. Amen. I would have run so fast when I saw that cop.
--Simon tells awful contestant he can't take anymore punishment. I can't help but think the same thing, but my torment continues because I've forgotten my dominatrix's safe word. The liberal application of cat o'nine tails continues unabated.
--Heartwarming story about how some college friends conducted a pledge drive to send one singer to the tryouts. She can sing, but she looks like Eve ate Big Bird, vomited him out, then ate Dennis Rodman.
--It's nearly the halfway mark and the show moves to Miami, with an especially annoying introduction by Ryan Seacrest, who pretends to know Will Smith. Somewhere, Big Willy Style turns to Jada and remarks that he is going to beat that Seacrest bitch senseless.
--Simon takes a cheap "slut" shot at Christina Aguilera. He goes on to describe Hitler as "pretty mean," Mike Tyson as "somewhat less than stable," and Michael Jackson as "porcelain."
--Paula "Straight Up" Abdul's career is still over as of 8:56pm Pacific Time.
--Seacrest somewhat racistly asks a blonde, spikey-haired (the same haircut as the Big Bird eater from above, coincidentally), R&B singing Asian guy if he "knows kung-fu." When he answers in the negative, Seacrest follows up by asking, "Do you understand me, ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh?"
--Some slightly unhinged guy leading off with a bad Scarface impression manages to sing an Enrique Iglesias song worse than, well, Enrique Iglesias.
--A commercial for the upcoming film Biker Boyz reminds me why I live in Hollywood, and that, indeed, Biker Boyz make their own rules.
--The Idol Crew moves from My-Yammy to Austin, TX. I don't have much to say about Austin. I hear it's a great place, and a friend of mine described it as having "more 30-year-old slackers than Los Angeles." Please wire me a bus ticket. How does that even work? Is a telegraph involved? I hope somewhere there's a guy in a green visor tapping away on a telegraph. I like green visors. Maybe I'll just go to an old-timey poker game.
--Maybe the Eve-lookalike didn't eat Big Bird. Maybe she ate the fat black guy in the yellow zoot-suit who didn't make the cut in Austin.
--I just remembered that in the last installment of Idol, Seacrest had a little help in the form of Brian Dunkleman. Perhaps Seacrest devoured him in an effort to absord his host-energy. Or Fox figured they only needed one talentless asshole to hug other talentless assholes after they go in front of the judges.
--There was an earthquake in Mexico. Were any potential Idols lost in the rubble? News at 11.
--Randy creatively suggests that one contestant name his about-to-be-born child "Randy." Paula, taking a similar tack, asks him to name the baby "Washed-Up Estevez Ashtray."
[I should probably just quit here. I'm not going to top that one. But that's never stopped me in the past, has it?]
--One of last year's Idols is named Christina Christian, whose last name is a simple anagram of her first name.
An anagram for Paula Abdul is "I spent royalty checks on Twinkies."
--One of last year's Idols has a karaoke business. Like, wow. They should make a bad TV show about people who sing other people's songs off-key. Now that would be an idea.
--Or maybe one of these guys could pretend to be rich, lure some gold-diggers onto TV to pursue him, then get Melissa M. to move to Hollywood to have my children.
--Last year's runner-up Idol still has really fucking retarded hair. Extra really fucking retarded. That is all.
--Melissa M. and I don't need to have children. It's more the beginning of the process I'm interested in.
--The Idol crew check in with winner Kelly Clarkson to see what she's been doing: "Praying that I don't wind up married to Emilio after blowing through all my karaoke-slave money like someone I won't name. Paula. Why did I just say that name? Strange."
[If I mention Paula one more time I may be forced to add her to the rotating WFOoBH Hall of Fame picture. Let's not have that happen, OK?]
Oh my, Idol is going to be on again tomorrow night.
And Simon dreams to you all.