Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Ruining Your Holiday Section
Due to the Nondenominational Holiday Season, I will not be able to update the site with any regularity. The staff insisted that they be allowed to practice their hoodoo and their santeria and their whatnot closer to their "families."
Happy Nonspecific and Nonoffensive Holidays to everyone out there in WFOoBH-land. Except for the Seventh Day Adventists. They sort of bug me, but I haven't yet put my finger on why.
Friday, December 20, 2002
Men of Honor Dept.
Cuba Gooding, Jr. asks Ariel Sharon the tough questions on Mideast Peace.
[Please, for the love of God, let's refrain from "Show me the autonomous Palestinian state!" jokes. I am so very tired of catchphrases.]
A Thought Before Bedtime
Having spent several hours of this week watching VH-1's I Love the 80s series, I was thinking: just how much would it cost for me to be rotoscoped into A Ha's "Take on Me" video?
I don't even have to get the girl in the end. I could be one of the bad guys chasing Mr. A Ha on a motorcycle, preferably the one who clocks him with the wrench.
That video is more entertaining than most movies these days. Dad gummit.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
"You just put your pickle on everybody's plate and leave the hard stuff to me, college boy" Section
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know...you just can't leave on your vacations and have a fulfulling holiday season without a new poll. There are at least twelve of you itching to click a radio button in the left-hand column and let the rest of the Internet know exactly which actress seemed to age the most right after getting launched out of the Hollywood shoot. And while she wasn't included in this poll, Jennifer Grey gets an honorable mention for losing her nose shortly after she dirty danced her way into America's overworked bloodpumps in, er, Dirty Dancing.
Enjoy your eggnog, or your eggrolls, or your dreidels, or whatever it is that candle thing in Kwanzaa is called.
[People seemed to think I was only holding up one finger. Well, guess which one, Smart Guy!]
[No, not that one.]
Osama bin Laden Cornered at State Fair After Hours
SKOGEE,WI -- Al-Qaeda leader and mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks Osama bin Laden is cornered on the grounds of the Wisconsin State Fair, United States counterterrorism-intelligence officials said today. "We have reason to believe that Osama snuck into the country with the intent to spearhead another terrorist attack," said Richard H. Chenowith, a field agent in the newly-formed Department of Homeland Security. "He was spotted by a Whack-a-Mole machine on the midway shortly before closing. When confronted by a security guard, he ran." Once the fair closed for the evening, federal agents moved in. Three DHS agents believed they had trapped bin Laden in the Hall of Mirrors. "We were confident that we could apprehend Osama inside the Hall of Mirrors. Once inside, the agents were met by more than a dozen different images of Osama reflected in the mirrors. "Some of them were tall and skinny, some of them short and fat, and others sort of squiggly in the middle. It was difficult to ascertain which image was the real Osama." After bin Laden let out what was described as "an evil, cackling laugh," two of the agents opened fire, shattering dozens of mirrors, but the Saudi criminal mastermind somehow eluded his pursuers. "It's like a maze in there, you know?" said John Harrison, one of the agents giving chase. "How are we supposed to know which tall, skinny Osama to shoot at? They might as well have sent us after him at a turban fashion show."
Despite bin Laden's inital success in foiling the federal agents, he is still believed to be hiding in the fairgrounds. Chenowith and his agents have formulated a new plan for securing his capture before sun-up. "We think that we can lure him to the Ferris Wheel," said Chenowith. "And once he's seated in one of its cabs, one of our undercover agents, dressed as a carnie, will start the wheel. Osama will be trapped at the top of the wheel, where he will be unable to escape." If bin Laden somehow manages also to foil this plan, Chenowith says he and his agents will not be deterred in their pursuit. "We'll get him on the Tilt-a-Whirl or the Flying Buccaneer," he said. "If not on one of those, we may give chase on Rolling Thunder, the wooden rollercoaster. Me and the guys really like that one."
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Fun Fact: Day-Glo Edition
Everyone knows about Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off of a bat onstage in 1982. But I had totally forgotten that Ozzy also urinated on The Alamo in that same year.
God Bless America.
[And a very, very special thank you to VH-1's I Love the 80s.]
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Check out Bob from Accounting, one of the most popular humor sites on the web. Yours truly contributed this week's story on Jesus' comeback plans, with more to come in the very near future.
I Don't Want to Spank Either of Them, That's for Sure Dept.
Anyone else think that J.Lo sounds a little defensive when she tells us, over and over, that she's "still Jenny from the block?" It's like Christina Aguilera's new song, "I'm Not a Filthy Little Skank, I Swear."
Hey...OK now, girls. We believe you.
Monday, December 16, 2002
Storm of the Century: West Coast Edition--The Aftershock
Pounding Rain and Snow Hit California
A mere month after Southern California was ravaged by the Storm of the Century: West Coast Edition (SOTC:WCE--see post of 11/11/02), Los Angeles again finds itself buffeted by Mother Nature's destructive power, in the form of the Storm of the Century: West Coast Edition--The Aftershock (SOTC:WCE--TA). Supermarkets are again finding themselves overrun with panicked masses of the flood-averse, snaping up staples to get them through this latest disaster, having barely removed the sandbags that protected their homes some five weeks ago.
As for yours truly, his tuna-fish and vodka supplies are still ample, the windows are duct-taped, and he's got his video collection of Seasons 4-12 of Santa Barbara to keep him company during this latest crisis. It never rains in Santa Barbara; the tapes will remind him of the sun and what life in beautiful, sunny Southern California (average yearly rainfall: 15 inches; today's rainfall: approximately 9 feet) is supposed to be like, with none of this Missisippi-style flooding to cramp his style.
If you'll excuse me, Charlie the Tuna and a sad-eyed Russian guy are waiting.
Deck the Balls Section
Christmas Reindeer Loses, Uh, Its Ornaments
The symbolic castration came moments after a mall official decided it was also time to trim "Santa's other beard."
Friday, December 13, 2002
Super-Sexy Government Regulation Watchdog Fold-Out Section
SUVs to get slightly better gas mileage
The Bush administration's new set of SUV regulations also include more stringent safety standards. For example, in new side-impact guidelines, a Cadillac Escalade must now completely shear a Volkswagen in half. In rear-impact tests, a Jeep Cherokee must drive the rear bumper of a Ford Escort through any back-seat child restraint system at any speed greater than 24 miles per hour. And in the all-important head-on collision category, a Ford Expedition must completely vaporize a 2004 Dodge Neon.
Coupled with the new fuel-efficiency regulations, these revised safety standards will be more efficiently met.
I was going to post something about how peeing in the dark is something of an adventure. But this probably seemed a lot more exciting last night at 2am (after a few beers) than it actually is. There's the adrenaline rush of knowing that you could be hosing down the entire bathroom, the feeling of relief when you realize that you're actually got the big porcelain oval right in your crosshairs, and you're splitting the uprights just as time expires. Yes, it's a belabored and mixed metaphor, but the exuberance of the whole endeavor carries you through, where you're not thinking about sustaining a coherent and descriptive narrative line. You're just relieved that you don't have to towel down all the tile, and you feel just a bit freer than when you began, perhaps just a touch lighter. It's not magic, but it's something you can't quite explain.
It almost makes you sad to flush, to watch as the passion is sucked down through a counterclockwise vortex, off to points unknown.
[If this seems a tad over-the-top, you should have seen the 2am version. Breathtaking.]
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
I'm not in the business of quoting other sources of humor (other??), but this excerpt is from the horoscopes in this week's Onion:
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
How true, how true.
[And now back to Hi-Ho, Eskimo! But first, a word from our sponsor.]
Dept. of Prophesy
Jermaine Jackson says brother never meant to hurt child
After you check out the link to this latest chapter in the Great American Baby Dangling Episode, please proceed to check out my post of November 20th.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Cobain Looked Interested by Comparison
This is the dumbest poll I have heretofore published. Nobody votes anyway. The American populace is too apathetic to bother to click on a little radio-button on the left-hand side of this screen, much less in an election of some import. And I am too stupid and worthless to come up with a topic that would inspire people to vote. It's all shit, I tell you. Don't vote. Let our society collapse under the weight of its own apathy.
[Who cares which actor was the greatest in Hindi cinematic history? Not Amitabh Bachchan, that's for sure.]
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
If We Go to War, My Pekingese Will Have to Step Up Her Therapy Sessions to Twice a Week Dept.
More Than 100 Entertainers Urge Bush Not To Invade Iraq
Scott Baio, signee #104, went on the record with his fears that his "tail-scamming activities" could be adversely affected by any kind of invasion in Iraq.
Please, let's not cockblock Baio. Okay?
Good Morning, I am Dumb Section
Man Confuses Snow with Vandalism
Moments earlier, the German man had called his landlord to complaing that vandals had invaded his home and replaced his bread with toast and his toilet water with lemonade.
[Note to readers: There will be no chocolate jokes. Don't be disgusting. Don't even think it.]
Anti-porn filters can block health sites
Just today, I was surfing the web at my public library. I was unable to research medical questions pertaining to my midgets, gimps, barely legal teen strippers, and Mr. Floppy, my donkey. They have all fallen ill, and now I am deprived of the all-important resource of the Internet. Way to go, Big Brother. I had to cancel the party.
Monday, December 09, 2002
Pay No Attention to the Silo Behind That Mosque! Section
Things revealed in Iraq's 12,000-page report on its weapons of mass destruction program:
--Scientists planned to weaponize Saddam's post-Mexican dinner bathroom odor
--Blueprints for 30,000 square-foot Ariel Sharon effigy factory
--Plan to contaminate United State's entire Pepsi Blue supply with New Coke
--Hussein placed phony $90 million eBay bid for Eminem's house in attempt to demoralize residents of Detroit
--Iraqi propaganda ministers faked quotes from Koran instructing Hussein to revive smallpox in a lab and mail an infected blanket to Blackfoot Reservation Casino in South Dakota
--Hussein's psychotherapist determined that he's not actually clinically insane--he just really enjoys doodling plans for mass destruction in margins of his dream book
--Hussein promised Michael Jackson ten #1 singles on Baghdad radio in exchange for baby-dangling stunt, then arranged for Winona Ryder to get off with just parole
--Plan to flood velvet-art market with "Dogs Playing Poker" paintings composed with blood of Kurdish torture victims
--Schematics for enormous space laser to ignite giant brown paper bag full of dog poop on White House front steps
--Secret to the perfect golf swing, enabling Hussein to finally defeat Bob Hope in Skins play
--12,000 pages of the following phrase: "We no have nukeys, American pig-dogs!"
Public Service Announcement Dept.
AMA: Alcohol Damages Teens' Brains
Anticpating the fallout of the shocking report, the Philip Morris Companies have selflessly extended an offer of political asylum in Flavor Country to all adolescents suffering from the ravages of alcohol. Once safe within its borders, all refugees are invited to "taste the pleasure."
A boatload of teens fleeing the tyranny of the dangerous Strawberry Hill regime flags down a rescue vessel from Flavor Country.
Thursday, December 05, 2002
My Dark Places Dept.
Ian Frazier writes about how difficult life is in this week's New Yorker "Shouts and Murmurs" column. Here's the last sentence of that piece:
"Uncomfortable even at good moments, difficult and unfair usually, and a complete nightmare much too often, life will stubbornly resists betterment, always finding new ways of being more than we can stand."
I went to a preview screening of the new Jack Nicholson movie About Schmidt last night. It's about a guy who retires, has his wife die, then gets to see just how much life sucks. It's a happy-love-fun-fest from start to finish, leaving the viewer with a feeling much like the one Frazier expressed, a floating sense of dread at what meets us all when we are old and alone.
And then there's this:
Suicide Mistaken for Art Performance
There, don't we all feel better now?
OK, OK, at least there's still the holiday season to look forward to.
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Five Lines Special
Heiress donates $100 Million to Poetry Journal
Pharmaceutical heiress Ruth Lilly earmarked the gift for the development of the filthiest limerick in history. She further required the super-raunchy stanza must be in perfect meter and contain the phrase "digital penetration," and make no reference to any Massachusetts coastal towns. Editors of the journal described their task as "daunting" but believe they're "up to the challenge."
Monday, December 02, 2002
Fowls Most Fair Dept.
Behold the newest object of my fascination:
The FAQ linked above undoubtedly provides all of the factual information one could want regarding the TURDUCKEN. But do the facts tell the whole story? By now we all know that a TURDUCKEN is a turkey stuffed with a chicken inside a duck, often separated by layers of delicious stuffing. But unless you've actually devoured one (and I haven't, not yet, but...soon), I think it's still a little difficult to wrap your intellect around this feat of gastronomic engineering. Maybe the issue should be examined from other perspectives to give you, the gentle reader, a further sense of awe and wonder at the miracle of TURDUCKEN. A culinary analogue, seafood: A shark stuffed with a swordfish stuffed with a cod stuffed with a goldfish stuffed with a minnow. At a bar, you might lustily imbibe a pitcher of Bud Light stuffed with a jumbo pint of Sam Adams stuffed with a highball glass of Ketel One stuffed with a shot of Jagermeister. Imagine, from the world of basketball--Shaquille O'Neal stuffed with Kobe Bryant stuffed with Allen Iverson stuffed with Spud Webb stuffed with Tyrone "Muggsy" Bogues. Picture this edible Russian nesting doll of figures from the entertainment sector, where John Tesh is stuffed with Bea Arthur stuffed with Billy Crystal stuffed with Emmanuel Lewis stuffed with Jonathan Lipnicki (Jerry Maguire only) stuffed with the crawling infant rascal from Baby's Day Out. Visualize a political delicacy, where Janet Reno is stuffed with George W. Bush stuffed with Condoleeza (Condi, if you prefer) Rice stuffed with George Stephanopolous.
Each of these examples is so savory that I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the power of TURDUCKEN. I must go and chew on ice chips until the anticipatory swelling in my gums subsides.
Full of Turkey, Full of Opinion
This week's poll is stolen from another site. Please don't follow the link and vote on the original site. I don't know those people. I know you. Who knows what kind of bug you could get just indiscriminately clicking around on unknown sites? Quite frankly, I'm disgusted that you're even bringing up the filthy idea. Bring it clean, or don't bring it at all, bub.
[And as for last week, Baby Dangler MJ (tm) erred in accepting the proposal of ABC's The Bachelor. But perhaps that would be a union slighly less unholy than that of His Erstwhile King of Popness and Elvis' daughter.]
Back to Bidness Edish
Some travel tips, just a tad too late for your Thanksgiving holiday, and just a skoach too early to be remembered for Christmas/Hannukah/Nondenominational Pagan Tree Party Time:
Phrases to Avoid Muttering Whilst Standing in the Long Airport Security Line:
--"Jesus, next time I'm seeing if the shoe-bomb comes in a 12, triple-E."
--"If someone were really determined, he could probably fill that baby with boxcutters. Run little Bobby through the X-ray machine."
--"I am going to blow up America."
--"There's no line at the Taco Bell -- Let's roll!"
--"How's this for a manifesto title: Osama: Misunderstood Savior?"
--"Winona's getting off easy."
--"Is this a bad time to mention I bought a one-way ticket to a terrorist training cell in Damascus?"
--"Isn't it about time that Bob Hope died? And isn't this line really slow?"