The Greatest Blog In the World

Monday, September 30, 2002

 

How Long Does it Take to Dig Half a Hole?



Ozone hole has shrunk, scientists say

There's a party coming. It involves yours truly, a six pack of Heineken, and approximately fifteen cans of aerosol Right Guard that I've had in mothballs since 1984.

The invitations are in the mail, and you best be RSVP'ing presently.




 

What Has Two Thumbs and Loves Democracy? This Guy! Dept.



It was obvious to you, the voting public, that the Russian Miss Universe was dethroned because she was too damn hotsky.

Behold, a new poll. Speak up. It's an issue that affects all of us in this time of trouble.


 

And One More Thing...



Quote of the Century:

"I consider her the Yoko Ono of Whitesnake."
--some bearded burnout on Tawny Kitaen's E! True Hollywood Story


Sunday, September 29, 2002

 

Noni's Dept.



I stumbled across tonight's E! True Hollywood Story on official Bunsen muse Winona Ryder. I can assure you that finding the show was an instance of channel-surfing kismet, not the result of a complicated three VCR setup and several months of red circles in the TV Guide. I happened to be happenin' by, just like they say. By "they," I mean my legal team.

New Winona facts learned during the one-hour extravaganza:

--hippie upbringing often resulted in weeklong patchouli-fueled joyrides in "borrowed" VW bus
--suffered "lost year" ending on eleventh birthday, having been spirited off to a secret Canadian-backed street urchin pickpocket training facility in Provo, Utah
--stage name Ryder culled from popular Hasselhoff 80's star-vehicle (yes, you know which one, and no, it's not spelled the same way)
--off-screen Heathers romance ends in four-state crime spree; none of the crimes involved include word "lifting"
--Johnny Depp's infamous "Winona Forever" tattoo's ink made of delicious black licorice
--owns trademark on phrase "doe-eyed ingenue"
--in 1998, briefly detained by Skybar bouncer for having "stolen the stars from the sky and smuggling them out in her eyes"
--called off engagement to Depp when she discovers he did not portray role of Doug Penhall on 21 Jump Street, begins two month surveillance of actor Peter Deluise's Melrose studio apartment
--adopted purely observational role in regular Affleck-Damon three-way
--starred in Autumn in New York to service massive Indian reservation casino poker debt
--2000: receives star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame; hours later, sidewalk star of Scatman Crothers recovered from back of Ryder's Ford Explorer
--Beverly Hills Police Department subcontracts Annie Leibovitz for first mugshot
--Dec. 21, 2001: "the incident" happens. Let's not dwell on it, shall we? I think we're all past it by now and have gotten back to the business of living our own lives

[double-feature extra: E! ran its Tawny Kitaen story directly after Winona's. My head is ablaze with images of twin jaguars, leather pants, and a jail cell. This could get ugly.]


Thursday, September 26, 2002

 

Rapt



Rapper LL Cool J Endorses Republican Pataki in New York Governor's Race

Fellow hip-hop impresario Eminem responded to LL Cool J's endorsement in the following rap:
"George Pataki/you can smack me/smoke some crack, see/lick my sack, G/while I bitch slap you and Carson Daly."

When asked if he would back Pataki's competitor, Democrat Carl McCall (who is endorsed by rap mogul Sean "P.Diddy" Combs), Eminem balked, choosing to concentrate on his music. "I gotta find a way to rhyme something about anal sex with 'gubernatorial,' yo," said Eminem. "I like to stay above the fray."



 

Memoir Extra



Ronald Reagan may not recognize Nancy

"The tragedy of this disease is that it's robbed us of our golden years," said Nancy Reagan, lamenting her husband's advanced Alzheimer's. "This is the time when we're supposed to look back on our memories and smile. It's hard to smile when he calls me The Gipper and chucks me under the chin, or when he mistakes me for Bonzo and forces me to eat his banana pudding." She added, "But he still occasionally calls me 'whore' for sleeping with Sinatra. That he doesn't forget."


Wednesday, September 25, 2002

 

Hubbub Dept.



I haven't seen this Barbershop movie, but I could sure use a haircut.


Tuesday, September 24, 2002

 

Emmy Rearview



Yes, they happened Sunday, but I didn't manage to post until right now.

Just pretend that I have just awoken from a short coma, and that you are glad that I am up and around again. It makes you happy to hear me gargle up some nonsenical Rip Van Winkleisms, as the last time you saw me I was flat on my back with the beep-beep machine monitoring my feeble brain activity.

Best of the Emmys:

--Cast of 90210 shut out for 12th straight year--but Jason Priestly can sit up under his own power and eat semisolid food.
--Conan O'Brien's observation that the one dream each nominee has in common was the desire for everyone else to lose. This was followed by The West Wing's Allison Janney's victory speech: "Suck it. I won again. You will not sleep well tonight, you little, little losers."
--Former NYC Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's tearful appeal to direct federal disaster relief funds to Matthew Perry's liver.
--Everybody Loves Raymond's Doris Roberts' candid admission that she's "been loved by three men at once."
--Stockard Channing's surprise win in the "Jesus Christ, I Am Really Fucking Scary" category. Runner up: Jerry Lewis' swollen head from the MDA Telethon
--Veterans of Band of Brothers "Easy Company" storm Kim Catrall's limousine.
--Oprah Winfrey's acceptance speech for Bob Hope Humanitarian Award ends with plea "to turn off the damn machines that keep Bob from eternal sleep."
--Ray Romano mistakenly thanks Olsen twins for recent boner.

Maybe another short coma is not such a bad idea.
I sleep now.
[beep. beep. beep.]


 

It's Time to Get Nice



New poll.

Right on time.

Speak your mind.

These are the events that shape our world, and you should have a say.

Say, say, say what you want,
But don't play games with my affection.
Take, take, take what you need,
But don't leave me with no direction.

[last week's result: Britney Spears' midriff going black on 9/11 was the worst tribute you could envision.]


 

More Dead Horses Dept.



Soccer Player Traded for Shrimp

In a related sports business story, several players on the New York Mets traded twenty dollars for a post-game dime bag.

[There are different methods of exchange in different cultures, people. Who's with me? Don't judge.]

[This is all old news. I got it for a dollar off right next to a bag of hard bagels. And don't get me started on finding a good bagel in LA. Oy Vey.]

[I know I've been on a dead horse kick lately.]
[But, hey, shrimp.]


Friday, September 20, 2002

 

And Just Because



I really, really love the following hip-hop expression:

My shit's blowin' up.


[If you aren't down with this shizzle, go tell somebody.]


 

Bubble Burster Special



Whoever you are:

There are no pictures of the Olsen twins in thongs here.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.



Thursday, September 19, 2002

 

More from the Isles Dept.



Cops encouraged to go to McDonald's

Police officials insisted that the decision to start the new initiative and the introduction of the McCruller were purely coincidental.
[Cops like to eat donuts. A cruller is a baked good similar enough to a donut that the connection is made.]

"These McRibs will be be safe as long as me and me billy club are here, guv'ner."
[Police officiers in Britain do not carry firearms and talk in a manner sometimes amusing to those used to American English.]

"Let me drive my car on the wrong side of the street over to the McDonald's for a quick meal. I am a policeman."
[In England, people drive on the left, or "wrong" side of the street.]

"Stop, or I'll say stop again!"
[Not a reference to this post, but to the lack of firearms in the British police again. Also some sort of meta-joke about a dead horse.]


Tuesday, September 17, 2002

 

Super



Asian Farmers May Sow 'Super Rice' in Two Years

Unfortunately, "super wok" technology is still a decade away.

The announcement follows last year's disastrous rollout of tiny, tiny eggrolls by Chinese farmers.

Dead Horse Special: Production of "super beef and brocolli" begins in 2005.


Monday, September 16, 2002

 



Michaelangelo's David gets cleaning after 500 years

"After 500 years, things get a little dirty," noted Giovanni Ruoto, one of the artisans involved in the clean-up effort. "Very much the dirt and grime accumulates in the many furrows in the granite. Especially the, how you say, asscrack."

The division between the finely-hewn buttocks of the 16-foot-5 sculpture is itself three-and-a-half feet long. Over five centuries, the crevasse has seen its share of wear and tear from old age, changing environmental conditions, and the probing, dirty fingers of millions of tourists visitng the masterwork in Florence's Galleria D'Accademia. Ruoto leads the team primarily responsible for this area of David, plying his trade with a specially designed toothbrush. "The asscrack is grimy with fingerprints, chocolate, and the sticky gelato. Who eats the chocolate and touches the ass? Not so easy to get out the cioccolato out of the asscrack with the toothbrush before the people arrive."

A separate crew cleans the David's genitaliia, Ruoto said. "We no give the reacharound. That's for Silvio's guys."


Saturday, September 14, 2002

 

Voice of the People Section



Most of you thought that Michael Jackson's new baby would have been better named "So Fucked." He didn't get the name, but I think the phrase may very well figure prominently in his life.

So once again, a new poll is launched. Now that we've had a couple of days to sort through the endless TV coverage, tribute shows, and retrospectives, one of them had to be the worst. Be heard here. No one else cares what we think.


Friday, September 13, 2002

 

Head Scratcher



What are the odds that we'd have a Friday the 13th and the anniversary of 9/11 just a couple of days apart?

Damn, that's strange.

Isn't it?



 

New Blog Order, Take 2



Something went horribly awry with that last post. It can't be deleted, it refuses to be dealt with.

Not unlike this entire enterprise.

So enjoy the new address. Bunsen.tv is here to stay.

Feel the burn.

You may immediately resume your love/hate relationship with WFOoBH.

[Note: it will probably take some time before search engines reflect this change, which may cramp some of my fun with "actual search terms." But such is the price we pay for change.]


 

New Blog Order



So here it is. WFOoBH's new digs. What a beautiful new URL we have over here, our lovely

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Tuesday, September 10, 2002

 

Actual Search Terms Extra



Just because it's late Monday/early Tuesday, here is a top ten of search terms that resulted in wayward interweb surfers washing up on the cyberbeach that is WFOoBH.

10. "Tijuana steroids/viagra" (multiple searches--a crowd favorite)
10.(tie) "Calista Flockhart nude photos" (two searches)
9. "naked photos Steve O and his penis from Jackass"
8. "actual video of a colonoscopy being performed"
7. "fattest penis"
6. "work experience as a waiter at amway grand"
5. "bareback indy"
4. "syphillis photo"
3. "mom and boy wearing nylon panties"
2. "the fattest bitch on earth"
1. "Handicap Tom Cruise Scientology"

[bunsen note: Unlike most of the shite on this site, these are actual items. If you find this dubious, google the terms and then search within the result for my page. Then f yourself for ever, ever doubting me.]

And here is the part where I try to tempt search engine fate by placing bogus phrases on the page to attract strange traffic:

--photos of Emmanuel Lewis in bondage
--Quebec secession and hot French Canadian ass
--Calista Flockhart and a hot pastrami sandwich
--steroid treatment for ailing fighting cocks in Tijuana
--Winona Ryder and Bunsen on crime spree hot sex



Sunday, September 08, 2002

 

Ill-Advised Section



Psychoanalyst May Start Date Service

Worst TheraDate matchups:

--multiple personality disorder and agoraphobic/claustrophobic sent on first date in stalled elevator

--obsessive compulsive handwasher and scatophiliac

--Julia Roberts and the soon-to-be-divorced-regular-guy-cameraman

--Me and anyone that Dr. Feldman sets me up with
(I know I'm not good enough for her)

--The Sigmund and Anna Freud/Carl Jung "Third Wheel Incident"


 

Missing Out Dept.



Wow, those people eating Pringles are having a lot of fun.


 

F Football, Shucks to Your Base-ball and Your Professional Net-Sports



Are bowlers athletes?

You try drinking two pitchers of beer, wearing ill-fitting, fungi-riddled shoes, and scoring between 150-200.

Behold: I am an athlete.

Like, twice a year.


Thursday, September 05, 2002

 

Dept. of Unmitigated Yankee Glee



Tale of two cities
is now a tired one


Yeah, it's tough subjugating the Red Sox year after year, but somebody's got to do it.


Tuesday, September 03, 2002

 

Infirmary Extra



You know that you aren't feeling well when you are too underneath it all to enjoy Wild On's search for a new spokesbimbo.

And I tried to enjoy it. Trust me. There's nothing quite like a bunch of striving women in bikinis trying to read off of cue cards to get the blood boiling.

But, nothing.

The blood was already boiling on its own. Woe is me.



Monday, September 02, 2002

 

Taking Umbrage Section



Sports firm says sorry for 'Nazi' training shoes

Sportswear manufacturer Umbro expressed regret when condemned by Jewish advocacy groups for naming a new athletic shoe "Zyklon." Zyklon B was the poison gas that was used to kill prisoners in World War II concentration camps.

"Umbro regrets this oversight by our research department, which has been hobbled by recent budgetary cutbacks. We plan to pull the product from store shelves immediately," said company spokesman Otto von Bruscht. Other Umbro products facing recall are the company's "Big Oven" soccer shorts, the "Kristalnacht" cross-training shoe, and its new line of swastika-emblazoned flags.


 

Dept. of Persecution



Winona may have been handled more harshly than average shoplifter

When asked whether or not Ryder was being prosecuted more aggresively because of her celebrity status, Los Angeles District Attorney Marv Richardson replied, "When you were in fifth grade, did you ever punch a girl in the arm because you liked her? I mean, damn, this is Winona Ryder! Do you think she likes my suit?" He continued, "One more Winona Ryder bit and this office will seek an injunction against your web site. Come on, we all know that she's beautiful and steals things, and that there's something dangerous and crazy and really, really hot about that, but do you have to beat us over the head with it?"

"Don't worry. You're not famous, nor hot. You won't do any time," said the District Attorney, then added, "She must be a real wildcat in bed."



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
If You Like Bunsen, Then You'll Love Bunsen
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