The Greatest Blog In the World

Thursday, August 29, 2002

 

Premature Feelings of Mortality Dept.



WFOoBH Goes to the VMAs Via the Magic of Digital Cable



I feel like I've been aged out, not altogether gracefully, from the MTV Video Music Awards. But here I am, digging in my fingernails and refusing to be demographically bussed over to VH-1 Classics. I am not ready to be ghettoized into the realm of 1981 Bad Company and Kansas videos, Behind the Music Marathons that last for entire lost weekends, and the new single from Sheryl Crow. I am young and vital and still know how to rock.

Here are my impressions as I strapped myself in for the duration of the VMAs.

--The show opened with Bruce Springsteen. Even though I am not a huge fan, I will not deny his greatness as an artist. But do 15-year-old kids have any idea who he is? MTV puts him on only because he sings songs about 9/11 that make MTV viewers' parents cry. "Mooom, some guy who looks like Dad's truck driver friend is singing on TV."

--Minutes after Springsteen was on, James Brown did a mini-performance. See above re: kids not knowing who the old black dude in the pompadour is. (Unless they've been watching the news and seeing some of the domestic violence complaints--he might be America's preeminent wife beater, and that's got to register something with Generation Y.)

--The show grows more surreal by the minute. Michael Jackson accepted MTV's Artist of the Millenium award. It was unclear to which millennium they were referring. I cannot tell if it is actually Jacko receving the award or that kook who spent all the money on plastic surgery to look exactly like him. But at this point, does it even matter? The Fake-O Jacko probably has at least a fragment of his original nose intact, which is infinitely more than can be said of the freak in the red jacket holding the statue--and it sounds like he has a cold. I imagine that if one's nose has been completely refashioned from space-age polymers, one's voice would sound a little nasal. Jimmy Fallon scores points (over the heads of the audience) by pointing out that he "thinks [MJ] had a little work done." Not too much of a shot, considering the mummy-like creature that is decaying just a few feet away from him.

--I don't even know what B2K is, but I think it involves special sauce and a sesame seed bun. And double beef patties.

--I have been exhorted by the cast of the Real World: Las Vegas "to get my drink and party on." Oh, I shall. I shall.
[Real World in Vegas? What bad things could possibly happen?]

--Best Celebrity Presenter Pairings: Mary Kate and Ashley (Where did they get the idea to put them together? Revolutionary!); Bjork and Bea Arthur; Michael Jackson and his nose hole.

--Eminem is a white guy, and he raps! It's about time MTV made rap music safe "for the rest of us." Ever since Vanilla Ice went away, I've felt a little uneasy with hip-hop.

--Pink declared "I'm too drunk for this," after winning an award. The camera immediately panned over the audience, capturing other celebrities also too drunk for this: Ben Affleck, Robert Downey Jr, Jason Priestly, the one from Backstreet Boys with the scary facial hair, Kitty Dukakis, and Betty Ford.

--Gwen Stefani from No Doubt is starting to look old to me. It could be that she's getting up there in years--or it could be that Shakira is nearby, working that Latin magic that makes the 33-year-old-with-pink-hair thing look a might tired.

--Guns N' Roses (or more accurately, Axl Rose, five other guys, and a bass drum that says "GNR"). There is no catcher's chest protector nor any kilt on Axl's person. It is entirely possible there are people in the crowd who had never heard "Sweet Child O' Mine" before tonight's performance--and have never seen a doped-out guitar player hide his face under a ridiculous top hat.

--Elton John and the ghost of Liberace performed a duet of "Just the Two of Us" as their eyes lock across the tops of their baby grands. Just who is the demographic for this show?

--Original VJs Alan Hunter and Mark Goodman are tossed into a lion pit as Carson Daly gives the thumbs-down sign, cackles with delight, and guzzles champagne with Viacom president Sumner Redstone. I can't help but feel I am being mauled right along with them.

I missed portions of the show while folding laundry, throwing some meat on the George Forman Grill, and curling up in a ball in the corner of my couch, sucking my thumb, and lamenting that I, a member of the original MTV generation, have been put out to pasture by TRL nation.

But I can still tell the difference between Avril Lavigne and Michelle Branch. There's some fight left in me yet.


Wednesday, August 28, 2002

 

That's Right



All About the Benjamins is now available on DVD and VHS.

Yeah, you heard me.

[editor's note: This feature film is not the story of the unlikely friendship between Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Harrison, 23rd President of the U.S. Franklin died in 1790, and Harrison was not born until 1833. But Ice Cube and Mike Epps do get along famously. More importantly, they occupy the same historical period.]


Monday, August 26, 2002

 

I Scream for New Poll Day!



The public has muttered under its breath, and it is clear that The Anna Nicole Show is in dire need of a little assist from a new character -- Dr. Morris, the coroner. He will pronounce the time of death after Anna Nicole draws her last breath amidst tiger-print sheets (a victim of one too many Percoset and Quaalude cocktails), as her lawyer and purple-haired assistant are caught in a freeze-frame high-five over the lifeless former bombshell.

And the ratings will be through the roof.

To your left, the new poll. Please, someone help Jacko's baby find a proper name.


Sunday, August 25, 2002

 

Our Great World, Weekend Edition



Briton wins world air guitar crown

The triumphant Englishman merely placed second in "Dry Hump an Inflatable Doll" event.


'City' Siren in Lesbian Sideline

Manolo Blahnik to partner with Birkenstock and release new Catrall signature line of purple sandals.


Actress Jolie Loves Greek Island

Actress emerged from early days of Tomb Raider 2 shoot with "Santorini" tattoo, a necklace containing sand from one of its beautiful beaches, and joined the island in the adoption of a Cambodian infant.

"It's important to give these children a loving home," remarked a smitten Jolie. "Every abandoned child should have a loving mother and a popular, hedonisitc vacation hotspot to shepherd them through the crucial developmental years."



A Swedish word a day keeps the doctor away

Basic knowledge of Swedish has additional health benefit: scoring with nannies.


Hospital Offers Cut-Rate Surgery to Boost Business



Hong Kong economy hurting mistresses


Hong Kong's desperate economy spawns entrepreneurial synergy -- abandoned mistresses perform two-for-one happy hour reverse-vasectomies.


Thursday, August 22, 2002

 

An Offer You Can't Refuse. Well, Maybe You Can.



Berlin Playboy Offers Jackpot to Final Bedmate

BERLIN (Reuters) - An aging Berlin playboy has come up with an unusual offer to lure women into his bed by promising the last woman he sleeps with an inheritance of about $244,000.

In a spirit of international cooperation, WFOoBH issues a similar, and perhaps more intriguing, offer. The next woman to sleep with me will receive innumerable waves of pleasure, a good deal of post-coital cuddling, and a still-unclaimed, winning scratch-off ticket (the denomination shall remained undisclosed--but let's just say it'll get you a cab ride home, provided the lucky winner lives in the Greater Los Angeles Area, preferably near Hollywood. And if she already has a car, hey, she can take herself out for an omelette. A three-egg one.).



Tuesday, August 20, 2002

 

If This Were Any More Obvious, It Would Be Followed By a Story About How I Wound Up in Bed Next to a Box of Feminine Hygiene Products After a Hard Night of Drinking in Rite-Aid Aisle 14



The Beer Goggles Don't Lie

In perhaps the biggest waste of research money in the history of research money, British scientists found that there is indeed a physiological basis to the "beer goggle" effect. A study was required to explain how the British manage to procreate, given that they often reveal their less-than-legendary dental care at some point during a pre-mating encounter at the corner pub.

[I also hear they have funny food. You know, the British and the teeth and the bad food.]

[And the weather--wait a second, and it will change. That's not so good.]

[And the cops with the funny hats and no guns.]


Monday, August 19, 2002

 

My Shame



Is there any way I should be this turned on by the OB commerical I just saw? Is there something magical about two young women reveling in the pleasures of sensible reproductive health? Is there anything special about the schematic diagrams of a new, improved apparatus I will never totally understand?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I suppose that I could still be feeling the aftershocks of my brush with Joey.

But it's more than that. So much more.


 

Gearing Up for War Special Edition



Pope Warns Poles Against Euthanasia; Poland Prepares for War

Addressing more than two million people at a special Sunday Mass in his homeland, Pope John Paull II warned his countrymen about the dangers of euthanasia, decrying it as "contrary to the will of God and a coming challenge to the Polish people and people of faith everywhere."

Just hours after the pontiff's speech, Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski ordered the mobilization of fifteen armored divisions to Poland's eastern border. The President explained this move in a televised address to the Polish citizenry. "The Holy Father came home to warn his people about the danger that Euthanasia poses. The great land of Poland will not be caught unprepared," he said.

The President admitted to an initial confusion about this new threat to Poland's security, but expressed a steely determination to protect his people. "For years, we have lived at peace with our neighbor. Ever since the downfall of the Soviet Union, there has been great turmoil in our region," he said, mopping his creased brow, then continued, "but now God has told us, through his emissary, to be wary about Euthanasia's recent activities. Our borders are fortified. We are ready to stand against the coming aggression. There will be no invasion on my watch.

"My advisors assure me that Euthanasia borders us to the East. I had to think about that one for a minute. Those countries seem to change every two weeks. I know that Germany's on the left. CNN had a map, with different colors for each country," said Kwasniewski.

When asked about what further preparations were to be made, the President outlined some tactics that would have his nation ready for the coming conflict. "I have ordered the mighty glass-bottomed war boats of the New Polish Navy launched into the Black Sea. The glass bottoms allow our sailors to see the Old Polish Navy as they perform their nautical maneuvers. The screen doors on our submarine fleet have been inspected, but we did suffer a setback when our largest battelship was sunk merely by being placed in the water.

"Our Air Force is ready for a war in the sky. Mother Poland's top kamikaze pilot is ready to attempt his 48th successful mission. In the event that prisoners of war are taken, the elite Polish Firing Squad will dispatch the invaders with its patented 'circle formation.'

"The civilian population has been recruited for the war effort. All across the land, lightbulbs are being held in place and houses spun around them to make sure they are tightly installed so that we have electric light in our darkest hour," said Kwasniewski.

When asked to comment on the spectre of World War II, the President was candid. "We have learned things about military tactics since The Second World War. This time, we will not be conquered by an opposing force marching into the homeland backwards, deceiving us into thinking they were in retreat. Germany got us good with that one," he said. "Our batallion of septic tanks have been upgraded to the real kind, the ones with the guns and armor."

The President added, "On your way out, please do not wave to the one-armed man hanging in the tree. He will fall as he tries to wave back to you."


Sunday, August 18, 2002

 

Yes, Timmy, Famous People Live in Los Angeles



I usually don't devote his space to celebrity-worship, but in light of an experience I had today, I felt I would make an exception to the long-standing WFOoBH's no-celebrity policy.

I was just minding my own business in a hip LA eatery (really, is there any other kind?) when in strolls a certain former star of a formerly-huge pop singing sensation supergroup. He's got another guy friend and three young ladies in party outfits and brightly-colored wigs (I think there was a pink, a green, and a red) in tow.

This man with the odd posse was none other than Joey MacIntyre of the legendary New Kids on the Block.

When I left the restaurant, I was looking for teenage girls to tell that Joey Fuckin' MacInTy-ah was in there getting some grub (basically because I'm an asshole and a stampede would be funny). But it dawned on me...do "teenage girls" necessarily know who Joey is? I know that he's still on MTV from time to time and has a burgeoning career as a solo artist [emphasis mine], but this is no Lance Bass, Space Warrior. Maybe I would have been better served finding someone my own age, someone probably no longer squarely in the middle of the boy-band demographic, to tell of this NKOTB'r noshing on a burger. Then they could have told me, "who the fuck cares?" and been on my way. I then could have spun out into an examination of my own life and why I might possibly care that a guy who used to wear tight pants and hang tough while growing up in front of America's fixated eyes was lunching with some chicks eating waffles in wigs in the booth across from mine. Why I noticed that he seemed so small in person, not the 50-ft dancing, giant man-child in a spangly coat on the Diamondvision screen in Madison Square Garden. Why I could hear the squeals of the girls, somehow fading, but still there in the background. Why this guy, this regular man in a Colorado State t-shirt was having fucking waffles with some hot chicks in brightly-colored wigs at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon. Why did it matter?

Maybe it was the impromptu a cappella version of The Right Stuff he gave on top of my table as my lovely dining companion squealed with delight, left me with the check, and joined Joey's coterie. She got the blue wig.

Could be that.

[If you think that this encounter weighed heavily on my soul, just think about what happened when Eriq LaSalle walked into the same restaurant as me a year ago.]


Friday, August 16, 2002

 

Elvis, Elvis, Everywhere



Elvis fans explore his Jewish roots


To celebrate the fact that The King can claim Jewish lineage, Israeli tanks rolling through the Gaza Strip will blare "Blue Suede Shoes" through loudspeakers. After a hard day of pinning Yasser Arafat in his compound, troops will be able to unwind by wearing huge sunglasses and taking photographs with Richard Nixon cardboard standees.


Wednesday, August 14, 2002

 

It's Wednesday Night Happy Poll Results Time



It was quite obvious that Ellen featured more slacks that runner-up Jake and the Fat Man.

And lookee over to the left side of your screen to see what I really, really, need to know next [right-hand side if you are joining us from the Southern Hemisphere].


 

Overexposure Dept.



Osbournes Take in Bereaved Teenager

In the tradition of Cousin Oliver, Scrappy Doo, and that annoying little-redheaded-country-singing bastard Sam from Diff'rent Strokes, the Osbornes are adding a fresh face to their reality-show mix. TV's Most In Your Face Family will take in the son of a woman who was killed by the same cancer with which Sharon Osbourne has recently been diagnosed. On The Osbournes' upcoming season, we'll get to see how the new kid fits in as Sharon is dragging around the house, sluggish from her latest round of chemotherapy. Nothing could be wackier than watching the Honorary Osbourne relive all the glories of the cancer that felled Mom. He can help Sharon pick out her wigs, empty out her vomit cup, and pinchhit for her with Ozzy's well-documented uncontrollable urination problem. Behold the New Guy towel off Ozzy's crotch as he absently cries out his catchphrase, "Sharon?"

I think someone's going to deliver a big, fat, heavy-metal reminder to Anna Nicole about who's king of the reality hill.

The Osbournes: Season Two -- It's metasta-tastic!


 

Bonus Feature Section Extra



Bunsen's Top Five Favorite Celebrities Who Are Still Dead as of Aug. 14, 2002

5. Ann Landers (coming soon: two-way tie with Dear Abby)
4. Dave Thomas (Wendy's, not SCTV)
3. John F. Kennedy, Jr. (hot wife also famous and dead)
2. Flip Wilson (just because)
1. Bob Hope (mark my words, it happens today!)


 

He's Not Multigrain, He's the King



A special late-night doubleshot of Elvis items:


Elvis Declared Top-Earning Dead Celebrity

I may not have access to all the pertinent financial data, but I think that The King places a close second to another dead celebrity -- Jesus Christ. That guy is really rich.

Elvis' Image Fashioned From Many Slices of Toast

Likeness required 4,000 pieces of toast, 350 pounds of bananas, 100 jars of Jif-brand peanut butter, 600 kilos of Peruvian White.

[I don't even know what the fuck that is. But it's been really hip to refer to cocaine by a flowery nickname since about 1971.]


Next up in the great Toast Portrait Gallery: Jesus Christ


Monday, August 12, 2002

 

I Know You Were Worried



In case you were wondering what happens to all of Charlton Heston's firepower in light of his recent admission of Alzeheimer's, this article from Slate will set your mind at ease.

The government's gun reclamation program from the mentally incapacitated includes the replacement of firearms with a variety of Jello-brand foodstuffs. And the newly-looped are just dandy with that there deal.


 

Photo Disclaimer



Due to technical difficulties, I cannot reduce the dimensions of the unintentionally comically-sized photo posted below, nor can I link it back to its source. But here's the link.


 





There is actually nothing funny about Jason Priestly's racing accident (really), but why must sites like Yahoo! persist in posting the most embarassing pictures possible of him? Were the links to the mugshot from his DUI arrest dead?


 

Any Given Sunday -- Late Edition



Fight Breaks Out at Hip-Hop Concert

Also not particularly notable:

Someone Explodes in Middle East, People Die in Disco Pizza Parlor

Girl Drunkenly Flashes Breasts at All-Inclusive Spring Break Function, Signs Release in Exchange for Plastic Tumbler and Assurance It's All Just a Tequila Dream

George W. Bush Makes Face Like He Smells Something Heavy on the Onions, Flubs Folksy Expression, Lies About Reforming Latest Renegade Corporate Accounting Practice...And Really Loves Oil Company

Winona Ryder Turns Me On, Steals My Heart, Wallet

Angelina Jolie/Anna Nicole Smith All Sorts of Fucked Up on Something

Bunsen Weblog Runs 14th Winona Ryder Joke Long After Controversy Cools Just Because She Is Possessed of Preternatural Beauty, Sticky Fingers

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

Fake Headline Bits and Old Sitcom Catchphrase Not Confused For Something Funny


Saturday, August 10, 2002

 

How Many Commandments Were There Again?



Alzheimer's Hits Heston

In a videotaped statement to fans, renowned thespian and Hollywood personality Charlton Heston admitted that he is showing the symptoms of Alzheimer's. "I would like everyone to know that this setback will not affect my work as president of the National Rifle...Rifle...you know, the gun place. Is that jello? I think I used to like jello. But I will make sure there is a gun in the hands of every man, woman, and damn, dirty ape on this ravaged planet before I...who are you again? I am Spartacus? It was the other one? Is that my jello?"


Friday, August 09, 2002

 

Learned Helplessness Dept.



Smart Crow Makes Her Own Tools

Meanwhile, I am tormented by the assembly of an Ikea endtable.


 

Alternative Inklings



Pow! Crunch! Bam! Zowie! Gay!

Batman and Robin, Ernie and Bert, and Siegfried and Roy have already been signed on for cameos.

Superman was unavailable for comment as he was busy trying to put his underpants underneath his leotard.


Thursday, August 08, 2002

 

Ballz N Strikez Extra



New Tech Could Kill the Ump

Once perfected, the strike-calling machine would have the ability to spray saliva on arguing ballplayers and put on 25 pounds of beer gut.



 

Creepy Death Update



''Passions'' actor dies at 20 during medical procedure

Somehow it had slipped my attention that the character of Timmy the Living Doll died on the same day that the actor passed away.

[Shiver]

Haley Joel, read your scripts all the way to the end.


 

Super Late Night Poetry Corner



Listen my children, and you shall hear,
sounds of Bunsen returning, and drinking a beer,
after 17 hours of slaving away,
so head can hit pillow and float him away.

Good night, Frankenweiner,
Buenos noches to Big Dick McGee,
It was fun whilst it lasted,
now I must go to pee.

I'm just going to keep typing until this beer is finished. Enough with the poetry. I need this Heineken to help counteract the effects of the roughly 19 cups of coffee I ingested since 2 pm. [sip] Hence the peeing.

I once had a friend who decided to save all of his urine for at least a week (the actual duration of this activity escapes me). He peed in 2-liter Coke bottles, gallon milk containers, whatever he could find [sip]. He stored them in his dorm-room closet. At the end of the experiment, we beheld the many containers full of urine. [sip] It was at once glorious and repellent, but what great experience in life isn't?

I have to be at work in about 7 hours, so I best be gettin' gone. Did I mention I just walked in the door? [sip]

G'night, y'all.


Wednesday, August 07, 2002

 

Bits 'n Pieces Dept.



Body Parts Are Recalled

Please, don't be alarmed. Yours truly was stitched together from baboon organs, a bicycle pump, and the circuit board from a second-generation Burger Time machine.

This abomination is 100% free of infected cadaver parts!


 

Wrap Your Fucking Mind Around This One



CNN: Anna Nicole Show an "obscene train wreck".

The above link was translated from English into Italian, and then back into English from the Italian translation.

I think reading this approximates the experience of watching the show.


 
Yeah, that one about the rape and the pants wasn't particularly funny, so how about....

Creepiest Death of the Week, Wednesday Edition



Diminutive Passions star dies at 20

I used to work on the lot where Passions is filmed. One of the most disturbing and enduring images etched into my mind is that of Timmy the Living Doll sitting on the back of a golf cart and smiling at me.

[Shiver]

But that's all over now. At least I have the coal-black eyes of the Newly Old Haley Joel Osment to creep my shit out.
There's comfort in that, somewhere.


 

Oh, the Humanity!



NBC Booker Bought Pants for Kidnapped Rape Victim

I think that going on TV and recounting your ordeal of being kidnapped, raped, and watching your attacker being gunned down by police is worth $80 in slacks. NBC wouldn't want to violate their "news standards" by giving a gift to someone that is reliving the most horrible moment of her life in front of millions of viewers so that they can sell some Extra Strength Tide with Whitening Power. I'm pretty sure she didn't keep the pants she was wearing the day of the incident.

In case you forgot, Dateline NBC was the show where they rigged pickup trucks to explode so that they could then expose them as unsafe.

No word on whether anyone on the NBC News staff was disciplined for lending the nine trapped miners a couple of bars of soap and a towel.


Monday, August 05, 2002

 

Too Much With the Boobs and the Jewels?



Cleanse your palette with something a little more highbrow.


 

Good Thing He Didn't Rob the Sperm Bank



Police See Through Suspect Jewel Thief

The jewel-napping suspect was in "posession" of a necklace, two loose diamonds, and some marijuana when Smokey caught up to him.

1,135 breastfeeding babies will tell you--get high enough, and you'll put anything in your mouth..

Had the thief swallowed some cubic zirconia, he might have escaped harm when trying to pass the booty in his jail cell.

[Fun fact: diamonds are the hardest substance known to man, and the second hardest if you've done time.]


 

You Know What Tuesday Means!



Tuesdays at WFOoBH feature a new poll for your tallying pleasure. Or was it Wednesdays? I think I'll do it on Monday afternoon from now on. Really, enough already. They're up when they're up. Each and every Thursday, like clockwork.

Last week's result:

Those participating properly guessed what was in my sock -- a Portuguese "stocking monster".



 

Baby Hippies Suck Section



Mothers Break Breastfeeding Record

The 1,135 suckling infants declared the Guiness entry an unqualified success. Johnnie Harrison, six months old, found the Berkeley event to be an exercise in togetherness. "Mom said that this is what Woodstock must have been like: tons of weed, two thousand bared breasts, some groovy music and a lot of patchouli oil."

Newborn girl Marissa Levinson agreed. "After about ten minutes of suckling, I started to really jones for some Bar-B-Q Pringles. Unfortunately, my single sprouting tooth is woefully lacking for post-toke snacking," remarked the four-month-old. "Mommy just rubbed a little Cherry Garcia on her areola and kept on swaying."


Sunday, August 04, 2002

 

Dept. of Aftershock



The wait is over, the lactating has ceased as the Bluebird of Anticipation has alighted and the Cockatoo of Actuality takes its place at the teat. [end disturbing metaphor]

The debut of The Anna Nicole Show on E! finished just moments ago. I'm still somewhat in shock, but I feel a responsibility to comment on the proceedings. I must, I must.

The show kicks off with a happy little theme song that tells the story of Anna Nicole in jingle form. It mentions the marrying of an 80-something billionaire (who disappears in a puff of smoke--from what I understand, that's how he actually died, poof! then dust) and has Anna balanced in a scale against stacks of money. It's subtle, an epic incantation in under a minute.

Then it's a half an hour of Anna Nicole trying on bathtubs for size (the have to fit just right, she's a "big girl"[her own words]), playing shamelessly to the camera, and French kissing Sugar Pie the dog. She talks as if she's discovering the words like five dollar bills lost long ago in a jacket pocket. I wouldn't feel comfortable accusing someone I don't know of taking illegal drugs, but Anna Nicole sounded like someone filled a punch bowl with dope and told her there was a Twinkie with an eight-ball center at the bottom. And there's no proof the drugs she's on were of the illegal variety--my research staff informs me the same effect can be produced by ingesting five bottles of Robitussin. But I digress. She did seem somewhat more lucid when giving her postmortem commentary on the action, but let's not split hairs between four bottles of The 'Tussin and five. Her eyes were barely open throughout, and at times it seemed that her lawyer, the improbably-named Howard Stern, was translating the druggy gobblediegook from Anna into English.

Maybe she was just tired. Dehydrated is the new euphemism, isn't it?

The biggest loser in the unfolding teledrama of the next few weeks is Anna Nicole's son Daniel. He's no Jack or Kelly Osborne, who are themselves no one's models of teenage normalcy. Daniel shyly avoided the cameras and it seemed E! tried to avoid having him feature prominently in the show, perhaps fearing the poor, awkward kid will be found swinging from a doorknob in Mom's new house. One scene had Anna Nicole phoning Daniel from her hotel after a Guess reunion party (where we get a hint of the beauty that made her famous--she still has the face, it's just puffier now), making mortifying kissy noises as she baby-talked her motherly devotion. Daniel played it off like any teenager worth his Oxy pads would, "whatevering" Mom as he clicked away at his computer, desperately trying to avoid on-camera fuel for the high school bullies who will no doubt be flushing his head down a toilet tomorrow morning.

But bullies have hearts, too, and maybe they will realize that no swirlie, brown-eye, or tea-bag can touch what Anna Nicole is visiting upon her offspring each Sunday night. They'll visualize the scene where Anna Nicole chases Sugar Pie undernearth a coffe table, her ample posterior jutting out to TV-land like two watermelons draped in velvet, shake their heads, and go pants the guy whose parents can't afford the OJ legal team.

There was some good news. Anna Nicole found her new house after shedding a few hysterical tears after discovering her dream home was out of her price range (she apparently isn't quite liquid enough for the high-rolling pad until this lawsuit thing clears up and she pockets between 40 and 600 million dollars). She did not mistakenly inhale Sugar Pie. She didn't sleep with Lawyer Howard Stern. By episode's end, her bloated carcass was not found floating in her beloved bathtub. The real final chapter of her E! True Hollywood Story is yet to be filmed. The scary thing is that for a half-hour, I half-expected that coda to unfold like a scene from a Faces of Death video.

There are happy endings on TV. After all, this is a comedy.

[Did I mention that this show could be the greatest thing ever captured on film? Hey, nobody died yet. I have to go have a tall, cool glass of milk and sort throught the full range of complex feelings I have toward Anna Nicole and her magnificent show.]


 

Read About Someone Funny



Today's New York Times has an article on Sarah Silverman, one of my all-time favorite comedians, and how TV has no idea what to do with her.

I'd know what to do with her.

If you "catch my drift."

You know, give her something.

A "series," if you know what I mean.


Saturday, August 03, 2002

 

Objectify Me. Please.



How hot is my blog?

Let the world know:

Is my Blog HOT
or NOT?


 

Big Winner Dept.



Bunsen asked which actress is the fattest, and the public has spoken. Gwyneth Paltrow was deemed the portliest thesp, easily out-porking Calista, Courteney, Debra, and Lara Flynn.

I don't even know why I bothered with the poll. It all seems so obvious now. I'm not sure she even needed that fat suit in Shallow Hal. What a pig.

A WFOoBH Commemorative Stomach Staple has been mailed to Gwynnie's people.

I'll let you know when the thank-you note arrives.


Friday, August 02, 2002

 

Out Too Late to Post Dept.



Hey, look down there! A funny picture of Brad Pitt!

And, by the way, which actress is the fattest?



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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