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Thursday, December 19, 2002


Newz Flazhz

Osama bin Laden Cornered at State Fair After Hours

SKOGEE,WI -- Al-Qaeda leader and mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks Osama bin Laden is cornered on the grounds of the Wisconsin State Fair, United States counterterrorism-intelligence officials said today. "We have reason to believe that Osama snuck into the country with the intent to spearhead another terrorist attack," said Richard H. Chenowith, a field agent in the newly-formed Department of Homeland Security. "He was spotted by a Whack-a-Mole machine on the midway shortly before closing. When confronted by a security guard, he ran." Once the fair closed for the evening, federal agents moved in. Three DHS agents believed they had trapped bin Laden in the Hall of Mirrors. "We were confident that we could apprehend Osama inside the Hall of Mirrors. Once inside, the agents were met by more than a dozen different images of Osama reflected in the mirrors. "Some of them were tall and skinny, some of them short and fat, and others sort of squiggly in the middle. It was difficult to ascertain which image was the real Osama." After bin Laden let out what was described as "an evil, cackling laugh," two of the agents opened fire, shattering dozens of mirrors, but the Saudi criminal mastermind somehow eluded his pursuers. "It's like a maze in there, you know?" said John Harrison, one of the agents giving chase. "How are we supposed to know which tall, skinny Osama to shoot at? They might as well have sent us after him at a turban fashion show."

Despite bin Laden's inital success in foiling the federal agents, he is still believed to be hiding in the fairgrounds. Chenowith and his agents have formulated a new plan for securing his capture before sun-up. "We think that we can lure him to the Ferris Wheel," said Chenowith. "And once he's seated in one of its cabs, one of our undercover agents, dressed as a carnie, will start the wheel. Osama will be trapped at the top of the wheel, where he will be unable to escape." If bin Laden somehow manages also to foil this plan, Chenowith says he and his agents will not be deterred in their pursuit. "We'll get him on the Tilt-a-Whirl or the Flying Buccaneer," he said. "If not on one of those, we may give chase on Rolling Thunder, the wooden rollercoaster. Me and the guys really like that one."

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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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