Sunday, September 29, 2002
Noni's Dept.
I stumbled across tonight's E! True Hollywood Story on official Bunsen muse Winona Ryder. I can assure you that finding the show was an instance of channel-surfing kismet, not the result of a complicated three VCR setup and several months of red circles in the TV Guide. I happened to be happenin' by, just like they say. By "they," I mean my legal team.
New Winona facts learned during the one-hour extravaganza:
--hippie upbringing often resulted in weeklong patchouli-fueled joyrides in "borrowed" VW bus
--suffered "lost year" ending on eleventh birthday, having been spirited off to a secret Canadian-backed street urchin pickpocket training facility in Provo, Utah
--stage name Ryder culled from popular Hasselhoff 80's star-vehicle (yes, you know which one, and no, it's not spelled the same way)
--off-screen Heathers romance ends in four-state crime spree; none of the crimes involved include word "lifting"
--Johnny Depp's infamous "Winona Forever" tattoo's ink made of delicious black licorice
--owns trademark on phrase "doe-eyed ingenue"
--in 1998, briefly detained by Skybar bouncer for having "stolen the stars from the sky and smuggling them out in her eyes"
--called off engagement to Depp when she discovers he did not portray role of Doug Penhall on 21 Jump Street, begins two month surveillance of actor Peter Deluise's Melrose studio apartment
--adopted purely observational role in regular Affleck-Damon three-way
--starred in Autumn in New York to service massive Indian reservation casino poker debt
--2000: receives star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame; hours later, sidewalk star of Scatman Crothers recovered from back of Ryder's Ford Explorer
--Beverly Hills Police Department subcontracts Annie Leibovitz for first mugshot
--Dec. 21, 2001: "the incident" happens. Let's not dwell on it, shall we? I think we're all past it by now and have gotten back to the business of living our own lives
[double-feature extra: E! ran its Tawny Kitaen story directly after Winona's. My head is ablaze with images of twin jaguars, leather pants, and a jail cell. This could get ugly.]
