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Monday, August 19, 2002


Gearing Up for War Special Edition

Pope Warns Poles Against Euthanasia; Poland Prepares for War

Addressing more than two million people at a special Sunday Mass in his homeland, Pope John Paull II warned his countrymen about the dangers of euthanasia, decrying it as "contrary to the will of God and a coming challenge to the Polish people and people of faith everywhere."

Just hours after the pontiff's speech, Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski ordered the mobilization of fifteen armored divisions to Poland's eastern border. The President explained this move in a televised address to the Polish citizenry. "The Holy Father came home to warn his people about the danger that Euthanasia poses. The great land of Poland will not be caught unprepared," he said.

The President admitted to an initial confusion about this new threat to Poland's security, but expressed a steely determination to protect his people. "For years, we have lived at peace with our neighbor. Ever since the downfall of the Soviet Union, there has been great turmoil in our region," he said, mopping his creased brow, then continued, "but now God has told us, through his emissary, to be wary about Euthanasia's recent activities. Our borders are fortified. We are ready to stand against the coming aggression. There will be no invasion on my watch.

"My advisors assure me that Euthanasia borders us to the East. I had to think about that one for a minute. Those countries seem to change every two weeks. I know that Germany's on the left. CNN had a map, with different colors for each country," said Kwasniewski.

When asked about what further preparations were to be made, the President outlined some tactics that would have his nation ready for the coming conflict. "I have ordered the mighty glass-bottomed war boats of the New Polish Navy launched into the Black Sea. The glass bottoms allow our sailors to see the Old Polish Navy as they perform their nautical maneuvers. The screen doors on our submarine fleet have been inspected, but we did suffer a setback when our largest battelship was sunk merely by being placed in the water.

"Our Air Force is ready for a war in the sky. Mother Poland's top kamikaze pilot is ready to attempt his 48th successful mission. In the event that prisoners of war are taken, the elite Polish Firing Squad will dispatch the invaders with its patented 'circle formation.'

"The civilian population has been recruited for the war effort. All across the land, lightbulbs are being held in place and houses spun around them to make sure they are tightly installed so that we have electric light in our darkest hour," said Kwasniewski.

When asked to comment on the spectre of World War II, the President was candid. "We have learned things about military tactics since The Second World War. This time, we will not be conquered by an opposing force marching into the homeland backwards, deceiving us into thinking they were in retreat. Germany got us good with that one," he said. "Our batallion of septic tanks have been upgraded to the real kind, the ones with the guns and armor."

The President added, "On your way out, please do not wave to the one-armed man hanging in the tree. He will fall as he tries to wave back to you."

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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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