Monday, July 29, 2002
Ronnie? Hey, It's Mel. How About We Skip the Spa in Tel Aviv?
Celebrities Avoid Israel
Israeli tourism officials lament the recent lack of stars visiting their turbulent homeland. Here are some of the recent celebs to cancel their flights to the Land of Milk and Honey and their reasons:
--Angelina Jolie: too difficult to sit in first class seat--ass still tender from having "Billy Bob" tattoo scorched off with a helium-cadmium laser;
--Tom Cruise: Scientology High Command issued strong warning against all travel to the Middle East, cannot promise safe return to space if tainted by negative delta vibrations of regional turmoil;
--Julia Roberts: Busy planning how she's going to let the cameraman/husband down gently;
--Winona Ryder: "Isn't that the place where they start hacking off limbs if you forget to pay for things? You see, I was recently arrested for stealing a bunch of stuff from a very expensive American department store and I would hate to make the same mistake in a place with sharp knives. They broke my arm here. I can only imagine what would happen. I steal things."
--Bob Hope: expects to be dead before next week's planned USO spectacular on the Gaza Strip;
--Monica Lewinsky: intern blowjobs frowned upon in Occupied Territories.
--OJ Simpson: Killed his wife and another dude. Have we already forgotten?
--Gary Hart: has weekend plans on his yacht, Monkey Business, with secretary Donna Rice. In 1988.
--Christa McAuliffe: "Israel? What's this button do?"
--Jesus: "so totally done" with region since rising from grave.