Monday, July 22, 2002
Really Deep Inside the News Extra
Els hangs on to capture British Open
Someone other than Tiger Woods wins something. Lack of interest so pervasive British Open officials forget to give him his jug (a funny British trophy). "The only thing more boring than Tiger winning a Slam event is some other guy winning," said one PGA official. He then remarked to an assistant, "Can someone rub Tiger's name off the thing and put whathisface's on it? I don't care, use a Sharpie."
Just in Case You Didn't Know Why You Stopped Caring About All Things Cleveland
Drew Carey Returns to Roots Amid Shake-up
OK, people, here's the problem. Obviously, the show is suffering from too much goofiness. Wouldn't want to mess up a show about drunks with bad jobs with some funny antics. Let's get back to what made us a success, people! Relationships!
Oh, and Drew, you have to get really fucking fat again.
Black People to Duke It Out for Our Amusement
Bernie Mac OK With Wayans Faceoff
WFOoBH Fight Commentator Alan "The 1/2 Aremenian 1/2 Lebanese" Gabramanian weighs in on the melee.
A"OHAOHL"G: "My money is on Damon Wayans. I've seen him run around and shoot guns in movies. Looks like he works out. Bernie Mac's primary skill is bugging out his eyes and saying 'motherfucker' a lot. I'm pretty sure Wayans has that in his trick bag as well. That being said, anything can happen in the fight game."
THE PREDICTION: "Mac in 5."
[At press time, there was no comment from the UPN network as to how they handicap the fight, or how the bout might affect their Wednesday night lineup of edgy, urban fare that no one has ever heard of.]
Someone Turn Her Over to the Guy Handling Michael Jackson's Career, Please
Sheryl Crow Tries to Balance Career, Love, Biweekly Botox Injections
"Things ae just eally geat ight now," offered Crow, the one-time back-up singer to The Gloved One. "It's sot of a dag that I have to go and have this needle full of biotoxins stuck in my foehead evey so often. It's made me look nice and young and smooth, but I have a eally hard time ponouncing 'r' now."