Friday, July 19, 2002
Programming Dilemmas Section
MTV's Osbournes Cancer Problem
MTV is reportedly wrestling with how to incorporate the latest unexpected development in TV's most uproariously dysfunctional family unit. Sharon Osbourne underwent surgery for colon cancer last week, and it appears that the cancer has spread, necessitating three months of chemotherapy.
Early indications are that new elements will be added to some of MTV's other prime-time offerings to take some of the spotlight from Osbourne's illness. Changes on the table include:
--infecting the entire new cast of Road Rules with chlamydia;
--using cutting edge gene-therapy to induce early-onset Alzheimer's Disease in TRL host Carson Daly;
--sending the crew of Cribs for "a very special week" showcasing the hovels of HIV-ravaged villages in the Ivory Coast;
--Jackass' Steve-O will bring his x-treme hijinks to the El Al terminal at Los Angeles International Airport.
While these new plans may distract viewers from paying untoward attention to the cancer dilemma, MTV Executives are unsure of the impact that Sharon Osbourne's illness should have on The Osbournes itself. "The camera will definitely depict the stress that the cancer has inflicted on the family," said a high-placed source within the music net. "We've got some good footage of Kelly gagging on a hairbrush and a few shots of Jack strangling himself with a camoflauge Army belt while he masturbates. Everyone deals with grief in his or her own way."
As for the family's lovably batty patriarch, the source revealed, "Ozzy's got no idea what's going on. We'll tell him on the limo ride to the funeral. If it comes to that, God forbid."