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Sunday, July 07, 2002

 

Post-Independence Day Special



Here's a back-to-work, post-holiday checklist so you can return to your office, cubicle, or modular workstation with peace of mind.

____: Limited/minimal/zero smallpox exposure

____: No anthrax inhaled [Remember anthrax? Remember when opening your mail was kinda scary? --sigh--...whatever happened to anthrax, anyway? I miss the word 'weapons-grade.']

____: Patted down at security checkpoint with complimentary "inseam check" by grabby rent-a-cop

____: Endured James Taylor's performance of sleep-inducing adult-contemporary folk rock following mediocre Hollywood fireworks display (Bunsen only)

____: Fireworks Safety Debriefing--Five fingers (per hand); five toes (per foot); two ears (Vincent Van Gogh, cop from Reservoir Dogs excused); two eyes (pirates, cyclops, Sandy Duncan excepted)

____: Peach cobbler not as good as rhubarb cobbler (fly-over states only)

____: Gunned down at El Al airline counter at LAX (two victims of "isolated incident" only)

____: Faked way through second verse to "America the Beautiful" by hum-singing, looking down at feet, trying to read lips of guy wearing American flag cape

____: Caused death of Ted "Splendid Splinter" Williams (Curse of Bambino only)

____: Muttered, "I think I'll have one more" previous to vomiting in Coleman cooler

____: Coors Light had vomity aftertaste

____: Remembered what exactly happened on July 4th, 17somethingsomething

____: Wite-out [tm] on computer screen from checking off checklist items [blondes, Polish-Americans from 'Truly Tasteless Jokes I and IV only]

Don't feel bad if you couldn't check off every item. As long as one of them is blank, you should be ready to return to the office grind. Now get ye to werk, or we'll lash ye scurvy dogs! Arrrr! [That was a pirate playing the part of your boss. Enjoy Monday.]



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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