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Thursday, July 25, 2002

 

No Need to Worry Dept.



Expert: Asteroid May Hit Earth, but Don't Panic

Dr. Benny Peiser, a British scientist with Liverpool's John Moore University, gave the world a little heads-up to the fact that a hurtling chunk of space-rock might collide with the Earth in 2019, unleashing devestation told only in fine feature films like Deep Impact and Armageddon. "In the worst case scenario, a disaster of this size would be global in its extent, would create a meltdown of our economic and social life, and would reduce us to dark age conditions," he told Reuters.

But then again, it will probably miss. Other findings by the scientist, and his conclusions;

--in 2202, a supervolcano will possibly erupt somewhere in the Pacific Rim, covering the earth's surface in white-hot ash. "But not to worry," said Peiser.

--in 2027, Europe may be overrun by a new wave of The Black Death, this time wiping out 73 percent of its population. Peiser added, "Not bloody likely in the final analysis."

--in 2005, Peiser's computer models predict that the doctor himself will be ravaged by syphillis. "The way I dive into whores, bareback and with gusto, could happen. But odds are against. Cheerio."

Peiser then neatly folded his computer printout detailing the unlikely catastrophies, blew a whistle, and was chased at high speed by bikini-clad nymphettes to the merry sounds of kazoos.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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