Monday, July 01, 2002
Goes Great With Your Monday Morning Coffee Digest
In Case You Didn't See a Paper This Weekend
--The United States won the World Cup, despite having been eliminated over a week ago. "We were as surprised as everyone," remarked US coach Bruce Arena, who was awarded with the gold Cup trophy as he sat by the pool at his Massapequa, Long Island home. "A man speaking broken English just handed me this thing and thanked me for making sure the bad people don't blow up the world. Then he cleaned my pool."
--Adam Sandler captured the weekend's box office crown with his slapstick portrayal of America's wackiest cannibal serial killer in the film "Mr. Dahmer."
--The Who bassist John Entwistle dies while viewing This is Spinal Tap for the twenty-third time. "His last words were 'You can't really dust for vomit--how true!" reported an associate of Entwistle, who had momentarily left the living room to "freshen up" the bowl of Cheetos.
--I was not among the approximately six million retards who sat through Mr. Deeds.
--Retards were big this weekend. It says so here.
--Not that the retards were any larger than they usually were. That would be folly. It was a question of degree of popularity, not physicality.
--There is a guy on HBO who is taking pictures of naked people for supposedly artistic reasons. We'll see how artisitic they look after he spills his artsy seed all over the photographs. Not so artsy then, is what I'm saying here.
--This really happened: I got my car washed and it made me feel better. See below.
--Sparen, Schließen, Schassen
Deutschlands Zeitungsverlage stecken in der schwersten Finanzkrise ihrer Geschichte. Erstmals entlässt die "FAZ" jetzt Redakteure. Der Qualitätsjournalismus gerät in Gefahr. [If it helps, there was a picture of a woman at a newstand next to the article.]
--Somewhere, a little blonde girl got her first pony. You can look it up. The little girl, tragically, is retarded.