Tuesday, July 02, 2002
Excuse Me, Waiter, Is That a Fake Jug in My Soup?
Britney Spears Opens New York City Restaurant
Somehow, yours truly managed to snag an invite to the opening of Brit-girl's Nyla, the hottest 'aurant opening since J. Lo opened her superdeluxe burrito shack, Madre. The name is a clever combination of NYLon, Brit's favorite manmade fiber, and sAline, the wonder substance that gives her the va-va-voom that turns the heads of the Hollywood glitterati and teenybopper set alike. Let me tell you, the only thing hotter than the celebilicious crowd was the veal shank flambe. Hot, hot, hot! Supping next to uber-stud Matt Damon was eternal heartthrob Cuba Gooding, Jr., who pleased the roaring crowd by jumping up on a table and shouting his beloved catchphrase, "Show me the money!" And speaking of the money, Donald Trump made a grand entrance with a 14-year old Russian hooker. And The Donald has never smiled so wide as he did when his jailbait lovely fellated him as tickled onlookers cheered him on! Way to go, The Donald!
On display in a glass case between the bar and the dining room was Britney's totally intact hymen...guess you weren't the little tiger you said you were, Mr. Justin Timberlake!
Ripping into a crispy piece of fried chicken was none other than The Who's dead bassist John Entwistle, who slipped off the breathing A-list a mere two days ago, and boy did he look happy to be there! Who let this guy in? But even the stiff couldn't wreck the good-time vibe of Leo and Tobey, who shared a works at a back booth with Angelina Jolie as she bounced Trinh Phan, her newly-adopted Korean daughter that she found in a dumpster outside the World Cup Final game between...who cares? It wasn't America!
And lest you think that the 'eve was all about the youth brigade, Bob Hope and whatever contraptions that are keeping him alive purred quietly in a corner booth with the Ghost of Jerry Lewis. What's that? He's not dead yet, you say? Check next Tuesday's Obits!