Monday, July 15, 2002
Celebrity Update Special
Catch Up With Yesterday's Newsmakers
*David Hasselhoff is crouching in the pantry of the Betty Ford clinic, clutching a jar of maraschino cherries and a bottle of cooking sherry that he paid a chef to leave in the cabinet behind a box of Mueslix.
*Advice Columnist Ann Landers, still dead.
[ed. note: Dear Abby,
You are next. Just walk toward the white light and get it over with. --Joe Black, Missoula, MO]
*You think you're getting something about Winona here. Not this time, Skippy.
*Know who else is still dead? John F. Kennedy. And things in this country just haven't been right ever since.
*OK, OK, I'll give you some Winona. This Italian guy obviously doesn't grasp the semantic nuances in the difference between "home" and "house." Silly man, we Americans will now laugh at you, even though you can put together a well-designed web page and write English more proficiently than most American high school graduates. You-a so seeeeely! You-a no speak-a so a-good! You-a love-a to eat-a spaghetti, no? Say hello to that crazy little Roberto Benigni guy for me, will you, Mario? Your name is not Mario? I'm-a so sorry, my man. Don't go get The Godfather to give me the cement overshoes! I really do love pizza, though! Now we are good-time American buddies!