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Wednesday, July 03, 2002

 

Anti-Darwinism Kidz Corner

--OR--

This is So Easy That I Almost Feel Guilty for What You Are About to Read, but Here I Go Regardless Extra


Electric Utilities Warn, Don't Be 'Like Mike'

Power companies across the country have issued warnings to children to avoid replicating a scene in the movie "Like Mike." In the film, a child receives basketball superpowers by being electrocuted while retreiving a pair of sneakers from live power wires.

Southern California Edison has issued these additional child-safety guidelines:

--The movies don't lie: electricity really does give you super powers, but your parents would like to keep you "normal." If you ever want to shoot laser-beams from your eyes, you're going to need a fork and a power outlet.
--Do not approach your parents with an ice cube tray, offering to recreate your favorite scene in 9 1/2 Weeks;
--You need to take off from at least a fifteen-story building to generate the necessary lift to fly like Superman;
--Avoid men in surgical masks promising llama rides and a trip to the ranch;
--Your food will cook faster if all the lights and appliances in the house are left on during peak hours. Give mom a hand with dinner and turn on everything before it gets dark out.
--Don't Be Like Mike, Too: Avoid hanging around the locker room after a sweaty game of hoops in a tight pair of red briefs (likewise, it is advisable to avoid lingering in the sacristy after a sweaty session of altar-boying).
--The nanny is strangling your baby sister--you'd know that if Dad had left the baby monitor on while your mother was blowing him in the next room.
--Mommy and Daddy don't love you. Run away and join up with your local gypsy troupe, who will let you stay up all night playing with the good silverware;

[Writer collapsed from sheer exhaustion of pouring out obvious jokes suggested by real news item.]



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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