Thursday, June 20, 2002
News QuikHitz: Some Actual News Items and a Bunch of Shit That Didn't Really Happen
How About Working on the Policy Where Only First Class Passengers are Allowed to Steer the Plane Into Skyscrapers?
In a move that is certain to deter scores of rotund terrorists from riding the Oakland to Burbank shuttle, Southwest Airlines announced that it would begin to enforce a decades-old policy of charging morbidly obese passengers for two tickets. A Southwest spokesman commented on the move towards enforcement of the policy, established in 1980: "If your posterior cannot fit comfortably into the check-in desk overhead compartment luggage-sizer, hauling your ass at 20,000 feet might require two trips. So buy the extra seat, have a Twinkie, and enjoy tonight's in-flight movie starring 95-pound Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit." Oprah Winfrey, Roseanne Barr (circa 1988), Louie Anderson, the amazing 200-pound baby, and an extra from "Sweatin' to the Oldies IV" all were unavailable for comment.
Furthermore, a senior official had "nothing to add" when asked if Southwest would revive its 1975 policy of requiring facially unappealing women to wear burlap sacks (with optional eyeholes) on flights of two hours or longer.
And Earlier in the Evening, Principal Dismissed Following Highly-Inappropriate Hymen Check
A San Diego female assistant principal was demoted for lifiting girls' skirts to make sure that they were not wearing thong underwear to a school dance. When contacted for comment, undergarment afficianado/hip-hop star Sisqo offered, "How are these young women expected to get their 'groove on' in granny-drawers?" Sisqo then performed four handsprings and a one-handed cartwheel before finishing, "Thong-tha-thawn-thawn-thong. Do you have a quarter for an Egg McMuffin?"
Bottle of Red, Bottle of White, Face-Down Under the Piano Bench in a Puddle of His Own Vomit
Billy Joel lands in rehab. Joel immediately disavows any memory of recent classical music jag.
If Wet Dreams Were Legal Evidence, I Might be Paying Hurley-Baby Palimony
DNA evidence proves that producer/heir Stephen Bing had indeed provided the genetic spark that ignited embryonic fire in Liz Hurley's uterus. Hugh Grant never really seemed up to the task, preferring to deposit his seed in Hollywood Boulevard sidewalk sperm receptacle.
Crazy-Ass Celebrities Doing Some Wacked-Ass Shit
A famous person did something totally fucking hilarious and strange. Those crazy-ass celebrities are certainly an endless source of wacked-ass shit, are they not, constantly getting married, eating in restaurants, abusing substances, and pretending not to have babies. What's their deal?