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Sunday, June 23, 2002

 

Because the News Doesn't Take the Weekend Off Dept.



Ann Landers, Advice Giver to the Millions, Dies at 83

One down, one to go.

In honor of a fallen advice icon, I inaugurate a new feature:

Go Ahead, Ask Bunsen


Dear Bunsen,

My favorite advice columnist just passed away, I don't know what I'm going to do without Dear Abby in my life. How can I cope with this loss?

At a Loss for Advice


Dear AALFA,

Ann Landers died, not Dear Abby. They were twin sisters and both were advice columnists (what are the odds?). Somehow one survived, though it is likely that the other will expire from grief in the next week or two. Sadly, this is what happens. Write back in a week when Abby gets syndicated in the Afterlife Times-Picayune.

At 83 years of age, it is clear that Ann was asking for it.



More Strife in the Middle East



Somebody blew somebody else up in a place with a bunch of holy stuff and a lot of sand and near a bunch of places with a lot of oil. Tomorrow, there will be ululating.


Rrrrruuuut-Ro: Scooby Doo Reaches $100 Million



Heads all over Hollywood explode from the implications. Big-screen versions of Marmaduke, Astro, Mr. Peabody, and that dog across the hall that keeps telling me to kill my pretty blonde neighbor with a monkey wrench are rushed into production.

Koreans, distracted by the World Cup proceedings, will soon be confronted with the guilt of eating potential talking box-office stars for dinner.

[This is somewhat of a low blow, but they're kicking soccer ass in their backyard while the US Team sits in a Seoul diner half a globe from home trying to pantomime the question, "What exactly is in kimchee again?" to their waiter.]


Things That Did Not Happen This Weekend



Madonna did not issue a press release including sixteen references to her vagina "ripe and tingling from impending motherhood."

Miss Manners was not found in a Washington, DC crackhouse, forgetting to say "Please" and "Thank you" between hits from the pipe as she tried to wash away the grief of her fallen compatriot.

The German Soccer Team was not seen headed for the vanquished French Team's hotel, looking to "keep the good feelings rolling" by "stomping a little froggie ass."

I was not a little disappointed with Minority Report. Wait, that did happen.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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