Saturday, June 29, 2002
120 Minutes of Clarity Special
Bush Resumes Power After Colonoscopy
President Bush was incapacitated for about two hours as he underwent a routine colonoscopy Saturday. Vice President Dick Cheney assumed Presidential powers while Bush was under anesthetic.
Even though Bush wasn't responsible for the course of our Nation during these two hours, he kept busy. My contacts in Washington sent me a transcript of notes Bush dictated while under sedation.
To: 'Lil Dickie
From: Big Georgie
Find outlined my wishes for this great country of ours should I find myself dead with this camera stuck in my pooper.
--Provide universal healthcare for all Americans. everyone should be able to afford the wonderful trip I'm on. I think this snake in my ass is talking to me!
--Call Yassy and Arrie. We're gonna let this whole Palestine thing ride on the biggest darn cockfight you ever did see. Condie Rice loves that! Send her an invite.
--Have 'Lil Dickie Cheney killed once this trip is over. He's been eyein' my Laura. I seen it. Make sure the batteries in my remote killswitch for Dickie's pacemaker are changed.
--I pledge with my dying breath that we will destroy the Death Star!
--Capital punishment only for retards. They think they're on a ride anyway. Why can't they just take a ride?
--Make sure Daddy G.H.W.B. feeds the fish in my office.
--I'll see you all in hell! Hee-yaw!
[5 minutes of unintelligible gurgling, followed by one last "Hee-yaw!" Then silence.]