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Saturday, June 29, 2002

 

120 Minutes of Clarity Special



Bush Resumes Power After Colonoscopy

President Bush was incapacitated for about two hours as he underwent a routine colonoscopy Saturday. Vice President Dick Cheney assumed Presidential powers while Bush was under anesthetic.

Even though Bush wasn't responsible for the course of our Nation during these two hours, he kept busy. My contacts in Washington sent me a transcript of notes Bush dictated while under sedation.

To: 'Lil Dickie
From: Big Georgie

Find outlined my wishes for this great country of ours should I find myself dead with this camera stuck in my pooper.

--Provide universal healthcare for all Americans. everyone should be able to afford the wonderful trip I'm on. I think this snake in my ass is talking to me!

--Call Yassy and Arrie. We're gonna let this whole Palestine thing ride on the biggest darn cockfight you ever did see. Condie Rice loves that! Send her an invite.

--Have 'Lil Dickie Cheney killed once this trip is over. He's been eyein' my Laura. I seen it. Make sure the batteries in my remote killswitch for Dickie's pacemaker are changed.

--I pledge with my dying breath that we will destroy the Death Star!

--Capital punishment only for retards. They think they're on a ride anyway. Why can't they just take a ride?

--Make sure Daddy G.H.W.B. feeds the fish in my office.

--I'll see you all in hell! Hee-yaw!

[5 minutes of unintelligible gurgling, followed by one last "Hee-yaw!" Then silence.]




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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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